In extremely bad taste.
Willie Wanker and the Condom Factory.


It's the story of an ordinary chap; Charlie Fucket. His was no longer or thicker than anyone else's, nor did he last longer..He was an ordinary youngster from an ordinary family, who was soon to become the "Luckiest" chap on earth...

Now we come to our main chap. Some 20 years or so ago, Willy Wanker opened the largest condom factory in the world ..Where condoms were made by Latexed methods.However, spies(SPECTRE and THRUSH) stole his latex and flavoured lubricants so he closed the factory. Not forever though. Suddenly WW decided to allow 5 people to visit the factory and one of them will win a special "prize" at the end. Does this sound suspiciously like a pop star who is black and white (and heard all over)?

So back to the youngsters

The youngsters have to find one of the five golden tickets hidden beneath the ordinary wrapping paper of five 10 pack dotted Wanker packs. So, Augustus Gloop (who used bear grease for lubrication, hence his name), Veruca Slut (a spoilt English ...ahem), Violet Disregarde (she blew stuff), Mike Teavee (who prefers the box to making whopee) and Charlie Fucket (the "luckiest" boy in the entire world) win tickets and visit the factory.

Full "Accidents" happen on tour...Gloops brings his own gloop slips on it and falls into molten rubber...thus making him look like a rishtedaar of spiderman. Violet tries licking up flavoring ingredient from the machine and manages to get stuck to the onion garlic flavour waala machine and no one wants to go near to release her.Then one more person tries to bugger a rodent and falls into a chute..a chutE..and not a ..chut.
Anywho..Charlie wins the competition. Unfortunately for him the prize is to be the heir of the condom factory as well as Willie Wanker's own personal exclusive love slave, as Willie was tired of Wanking. Charlie is upset as that would mean leaving his beloved sheep behind..as well as his beloved sheep's behind, therefore he declines..Willie realises the importance of sheep and shifts his line to the dairy industry...Willie, Charlie and Dolly live happily until the sequel.

Australopithecus tries to act intellecshual.

After a long discourse that started from string theory and was skilfully guided by various people to this zoological discussion on a certain man's hypothetical cat, who was half alive and half dead at the same time. Then onto the many worlds interpretation. Whereupon I jumped up and cried in excitement...So that means if there are n possible outcomes, there are also n parallel universes where each event definitely occurs? Boletho I don't have to back the right horse for the Deccan Derby, just the right universe to run it in?

If looks could kill!

...In a related story. Werner Heisenberg was once pulled over for driving too fast. When they asked him "do you know how fast you were going!". He said " No, but I know where I am".

Sutti.

( Disclaimer: Not like Thor's hammer...)


It is all a matter of perspective...
Remember the story of the little boy who stuck his finger where it did not belong and hence saved Holland from floods?
In Holland they call you a hero for sticking your finger in a dyke. In the U.S they would call you a sex offender for the same.

Someone came to my blog looking for "Lanja Rambha"...Talk about casting aspersions (on my charachter, i meant, who cares about Rambha). Let me clarify. This blog is named "Thus Spake Australopithecus" and not "Mehandi Galli (now on information super-highway)", "Star Whores" or ever "whore ni amma!" and name is not Pori Seenu, Gowliguda Ganesh.

In my day back in prehistory we didn't have whores. We didn't need them. We had clubs.

A stitch in time.....messes with the gravitational field.
Whereas a Stich in 1991 won Wimbledon.
A Stich with thyme serves nine...cannibals?

O.k. That was too much even for me!

A friend of mine went to Bangkok recently, the city and not the action. He was telling about some of his experiences there. When one talks about koks can pussies be far behind?

So this chap goes to this show where women are doing weird things, with various parts of their anatomy. Like this one: Women are opening beer bottles with their unmentionables.

Woah! I have trouble just opening bottles with openers, (these days the openers spend lots of time in the dressing room). No, but seriously, how did they come up with this idea.

Dyam! No opener...I wonder if I could open it with my cunt?

Orkutte.

One suggestion to all chaps on Orkut: If you do list one of your passions as "writing" try spelling it with a W.Spelling it with a single T would also be nice (Afzal ek single T , do Osmania biskoot laane jaldi).

Avoiding statement like "I am a simple man guy " would be great. Especially that insistence, by stating the fact twice, makes one wonder...But this one is great "i am selfmad man." At least this gentleman has the honesty to admit it.He drove himself crazy, imagine what he could do to you!

Incoherence is avoidable...

"wht to say an where to start with mee colll but talkitive an g luv music an carz an bikez don't 4get frndz too im a guy who want to be with frndz aonly most of da time..........
me do hav a friendly nature an love to increase them so do be my frnd u will be in a diif world an i do like to hav frndz like u all so plzzz vote SO PL VOTE 4TAJMAHAL PLZZZZZZZ AT LEAST 4THE SAKE OS INDIA 'S GLOURY"

...As is the repetition of the last alphabet of a word N number of times, such as "plzzzzzzzzzzzzzz", "moreeeeeeeeeeeee" and "i lovvveeeeeeeeee trishaaaaaaaa"

Bloomers like these will be laughed at, and you will be made fun off.

like this guy,who says:

"im a cute but fatty gut an i wann to reduce da weight an they tell it is done only by makin more frndz so i joined da orkut so............"

Oh i've got a gut feeling about you...and es ist nicht gut. Oh now I nknow why I'm not losing weight. I've only been making friends on orkut, not frndz. Could someone tell me how I could go about making Frndz?

"i do like to drink coolll drinkzmore.....................lik to shop an watch flims an do many more so wht do u say................................................"

'lik'? Whiskey Tango foxtrot is that? What do I say? I say jump in a dry well.

And as far as i know, being the young fogey that i am..Linakan park is not a band...in fact Linkin park should be banned.

His take on interaction with the opposite sex
"wht to tell more abt me im a very decent guy an love to flert girlz an i do it widh style an i think abt them before but i think i cannot now bcoz im angaged now so u hav to all tell abt me by adding me up..........................................................shure do add me up to get a very good frnd..........................................."

I swallowed all that...but.
now here is where I got suspicious...it could be a huge put up job...couldn't it.

"cuisines: many r their but srikanth an keerthii r my favroite cos......... "

oh well...as long as I laughed.

Aight. This here blog is now four years old...

yay! (fanfare) . Throws confetti in the air.
right thats all now..shows over. Ta-ta bye-bye pip-pip and all that.


oh! and you might want to read a post i wrote over here for Anil's blog's birthday. .
and now mine..like one celebrates ones birthday by eating out..I celebrated by writing out.

Q. What is Assembly language?
A. In A.P. something like lanja kodaka, pisatchi munda kodaka, donga bhadacou. and so on.

Observation.
Dorothy Parker

If I don't drive around the park,
I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
If I'm in bed each night by ten,
I may get back my looks again,
If I abstain from fun and such,
I'll probably amount to much,
But I shall stay the way I am,
Because I do not give a damn.

I don't have too much to say. Since that's never stoped me before..why should it stop me now.
I just saw the keyword analysis thingamajig on Statcounter and I find that someone has arrived at this particular point in cyberspace looking for :

a) Telangana porn: Yes lots of that here. Plenty of women named Pochamma, Pullaamma etc. caught in various positions performing various acts of personal nature.…Those regionally minded people who only want Andhra porn please watch films like Rajamhundry Rambha, Vayasu Pilustundi raa and such like.

b)Teleshopping sauna belts: If you’ve ever seen me you wouldn’t even mention “fitness” products and my name in the same sentence, especially these dodgy ones. Of course I don’t complain while watching the commercials. I once watched two such programmes back to back because I was too lazy to get off my rear and find the remote control.

c) hindi meaning of khatmal in English: I swear I did not make this up. I can’t even understand it, how can I make it up katte! Will some of the more educashunned peepuls reading this blog please explain to me what the Hindi meaning of khatmal in English is, please thrown in German subtitles as well.

d) traffic jam bappi lahiri lyrics: Aah! Finally! I am in my element now. I'm not totally sure but I think this song Traffic Jam was in that film Rock Dancer...that also boasted of that amazingly creative piece called "you are my chicken fry" It's is being remixed and used for KFC's new ad campaign katte, not Traffic Jam..the other one..Traffic Jam ought to be Hyderabad's new theme song.

e) Last and definitely not the least was the search for Telangana. : All I have to say is
Bad Request Error 404 . Constitute second SRC then try again.

Overheard at the Unit Canteen. Two lady officers were talking

Officer1: Hey! What do you think about this deo?
Officer2: Arey! It's too flower-flowery-girly-girly smelling yaar.
Officer1: So what?
Officer2: We are men now!

Here is the latest from our other bunch of jokers (the first being housed in Parliament) But It is indeed becoming difficult to tell those chaps apart.
So comments from yours truly in brackets.

This is an actual 100% genuine press release. except for my 81 paise worth. Thanks to boredsub for sending me this press release.

THE BOARD OF CONTROL FOR CRICKET IN INDIA

Hon. Secretary's Office, BCCI, Rajkot

PRESS RELEASE

12^th May, 2007

Regarding update on injury of Majnoj Tiwary.

(Manoj? ya Majnu?)

Mr Niranjan Shah, Hon Secretary, BCCI has announce following update on injury of Manoj Tiwary.

"Manoj Tiwary sustained an injury to the right shoulder while fielding at Dhaka. His shoulder came out and this was then relocated by Indian team physio Mr John Gloster.
(His shoulder came out, but the rest of him is straight)

Today Dr Anant Joshi examines Manoj at Mumbai and his MRI revealed a tear of antero inferior labrum. ( Inferior! Now I know you are talking about the cricket team)

(Ise kehte hain, international cricket dekhte ich uski phat gayi.)

Considering Manoj's age and demands of his dominant arm, arthroscopic shoulder surgery will be done by Dr Joshi on Monday. (Demands of his dominant arm, at his age too. The BCCI should not only foot his bill, but set him up as well. You wouldn't want him , to further damage anything in performing demanding activities with dominant arm.)

Post surgery, he is likely to be in a sling for three to four weeks and will then require rehab. Before full function can be achieved." ( He is likely to be in a sling eh? Why? Is he training to go on the moon mission? Will they put him on the sling and swing him round round round untill he reaches escape velocity?)

Philhal bus itna hi. Agli baar phir milenge. Namaskar.

Is an excellent confidence trickster a super duper?

Thank you for the memories.

Keep the flag flying.

"So why do you Tams wear your lungis like that" she asked. Shaken from semi slumber (which I can fall into anyplace anytime, especially if you mention words like normal mode analysis), I very intelligently remark "Huh?". She repeats the question. and I launch into it as Sidhu used to launch into a well flighted delivery. Speaking of launch is that what bongs do at the Taj Bengal?
"Firstly its not a lungi its a Veshti"
" Same thing only, why but?" she asks
"Its like a flag flying at half mast. We do it to mourn the death of Tamil culture due to invasion of this alleged culture from the north. The north being anywhere above Sriharikota (speaking of launches yet again)."
But I digress we fly our flags..err our Veshtis at half mast and like Dougal McDougal we use our noses to play Abide with me. "
"Isn't that also an invasion of culture?" she very astutely points out.
"Well, ahem, yes, but some of us love the British (aka "the britishers aka verry decent fellows saar, not like these Americans scoundrels saar, all wearing only nicker and roaming here and there saar.). Also it allows the light sea breeze to cool the fundamentals. In the hot humid summer, there is nothing like a breeze cooling your future generations. After all isn't it a parents duty to ensure comfort of their young, both current and future? "

Jai Telangana
This is hilarious.The pink is for obvious reasons. :)

Guests.(aka The good, the bad and the Agli baar kabhi nahin)

There are various types of guests as mentioned above. Some guests are nice well behaved, and when they come to stay they don't use too much water and even help out..so thats great. People who fall into that category are always a pleasure to have. These are usually people you know quite well so its fun also.

There are those guests who are horribly inconsiderate. Wake up late, inconsiderately ask for coffee and chai at odd hours..basically behave the same way I do. But then they make up for it all by treating one to dinner somewhere lots of sins are forgiven on a near bursting stomach.

Then there are those who crib. these second rates sons of sword swallowers behave as if we've put them into Gulag 3. Ooh why don't you have water..it just ran out I only showered for half an hour! The food is too bland...later now it's too spicy. Behaving like prize pricks. (Prize pricks..I didn't know there were such competitions. I just hope they don't actually PIN the blue ribbon on the victorious member)
They are welcome to write about their experiences in the realm of the Australopithecus, giving Alexander Solzhenitsyn competition(after wining the prize pricks and dickhead awards,,they fancy themselves) Luckily we've had only one such person forcibly thrust on us.

Now there are some guests who are horribly nosy...always sticking thier noses into business that doesn't concern them..e.g "who was that girl who called for you?" "why do your parents allow you to go out so late at night.?" ."what is this green stuff I found in your cupboard" . Behenchod! none of your friggin' business....These are not guests. These are the Guestapo. They have "Vays to mek me Tok" alright..but when I talk( or tok in German subtitles) its definitely not PG rated.

Guests may be good bad or nasty..they are always interesting.

M: we have and old comp 3-4 years old maybe i need new 256 ram and i'm expected to do high level graphics... :O me: aapka computer RAM bharose chalra M: : :| me: ooh i got to blog that..

"No Cummins, no goings"

So I state again, I have very little to do. I occupy my time watching vague stuff on TV. Last night/this morning I spent my time watching the exhilarating Kenya v/s Canada match. One comment. Anderson Cleophas Cummins. (Cleophas..snigger snigger). Cummins earler played for the West Indies in the early 90s. Was it just my imagination or was the 40 year old Cummins (41 this May) bowling faster than what 22 year old Irfan Pathan is sending down these days.
What amazing fitness I say! To be playing sports at the international level at his age. At this ripe old age of 20 odd I find it difficult to get off the sofa and look for the remote control. This laziness is also one of the reasons I actually watched the game in the first place. It is also responsible for my watching such lovely teleshopping commercials like super slicer and slim sauna belt (the 'babe' in it has nothing to do with it I assure you).
Some might remember Cummins from his role in the Barbados match v/s South Africa. The enthu lot among you who actually bothered to visit the link might remark..Hey! he is not even listed in the scorecard. That is true. When Cummins , a native of Barbados, was left out of the team, the public decided to..no no they didn't burn effigies of Greg Chappel, regional news channel didn't exisit solely because of this event. They didn't even burn down Kensington Oval. They merely boycotted the match. They held aloft a banner proclaming "No Cummings, No Goings" which i thought was hilarious at the time.
When you are most famous for a game you didn't play...

Absolutes.
There are none. There is no absolute right, or absolute wrong. There is, however, Absolut Vodka.