How to lose friends and influence people in a bad way. By Bail Carnage.

I am going to write a book about the above, Why you ask? Well gentle reader its for the same reason the male member of the cannine species licks its own organs of reproduction. Because it can. No, I dont mean I can lick a dog's bollocks, nor do I ever want to. Get your mind out of the gutters for once and listen (err read). I have had vast experience of the events described in the heading. Some of them are given here for your reading err pleasure

Friend: You know Aus. When I first met you I thought you were nasty and superficial.
Me: Well, When I first met you I thought you had nice tits.
SLAP.
Me: What? You mean you don't? It was all a show?
SLAP
Me: If it helps, I still think you do.
SLAP SLAP SLAP
Me: You are wrong you know, I am nasty deep down also. Nothing superficial about my nastiness.

At a pub
Person: Excuse me, (pointing to my cigarette) would you mind putting it out.
Me : Oh sure.
Person: Hey! That was my glass you threw your sutta in.
Me: Well you did want it out.


Friend: How do I look
Me: Dude! Who picked your clothes? Imaam sahab from Sholay?
Friend: Bastard, My dad did re.
Me: I didn't know Stevie wonder was your dad.