Showing posts with label Nonsense. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nonsense. Show all posts
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Sunday, October 19, 2008
How to get cheap entertainment in mexican restaurants
A:Do you have inch lauda?
Waiter:Si. We have Enchiladas, tacos, Burritos.
A: You really have an inch lauda?
W: Si. Yes yes.
giggle giggle.
A: No I guess I'll have some Nachos.
W: Ok .
A: Hum nachos. Tum gaos?
W: Losing patience . what what.
A: (who is not partial to having his food spat in) oh nothing sorry...(points to blue tooth headset.)on the phone. That will be all. Thanks
Idea for a new band. Like 9 inch nails. 9 enchiladas .
A:Do you have inch lauda?
Waiter:Si. We have Enchiladas, tacos, Burritos.
A: You really have an inch lauda?
W: Si. Yes yes.
giggle giggle.
A: No I guess I'll have some Nachos.
W: Ok .
A: Hum nachos. Tum gaos?
W: Losing patience . what what.
A: (who is not partial to having his food spat in) oh nothing sorry...(points to blue tooth headset.)on the phone. That will be all. Thanks
Idea for a new band. Like 9 inch nails. 9 enchiladas .
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Ramblings- Episode 1-Gaur se suno (or) How to warm your trousers on a cold day
It has been a crazy few months.
It all started with the job. I hated it. Well that's not entirely true. I liked the job. I just hated my boss and it did not help that many of my colleagues had the IQs of dead newts. So I chucked it and went loafing, apparently I also chucked sanity and went mad. How else would I do a road trip 500 odd Kilometres each way, across Tamil Nadu in the middle of May, not the very merry month of May let me assure you. They said "only mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the mid-May sun" (to bastardize a phrase). The last time I checked my passport, it said Republic of India so I guess all I have to say is..woof woof growlll.
So we went Chennai-Pondicherry-Trichy/Srirangam(where we had amazing lunch both onward and return journey)-Dundigal- and hold your breath...Kodaikanal. So you see, there was method to this madness after all. Spent a week or so there in this lovely 100 year old house, with a pear and plum orchard attached. There was a lot of birding to be done, saw quite a few exotic species. The highlight of the trip of course was to be the encounters with the Gaur.
So here is how it happened, to borrow words from Monk.Early one morning, I was running around the Sholas trying to invade the privacy of a Black-and-orange Flycatcher (Ficedula nigrorufa), when I reached a small valley, the end of the road for the chase, but then we had binoculars, so we played paparazzi, without a camera for a bit, before I was politely interrupted by a low grunt from behind. I turn around to look and see this massive specimen of Gaur, standing a few feet away, looking apologetic for ruining my morning birding. However, the rest of his herd, all ten of them, weren't looking quite so apologetic. I was screwed, to put it politely, It was perhaps a good thing that I had answered Mother Nature's call just a few moments before this event, otherwise there would have been an addition to the groundwater levels of Periyakulam down in the plains.
Stuck between a herd of wild animals and a valley and all I could think of were sidey jokes like Gaur farmaiyie and Gaur se suno while simultaneously freaking out. somehow managed to walk away edging along the valley and scooting while they were looking for leaves to eat. When I got home, I found that the Gaur had already been there looking for me, and in the process had trampled all over the flower beds.
Update: I have just been informed that Rakhi Sawant once said something like "Insaan nahin to kya saand peeche padenge” I guess I should be happy, insaan nahin to kum se kun saand to peeche pade hain
It all started with the job. I hated it. Well that's not entirely true. I liked the job. I just hated my boss and it did not help that many of my colleagues had the IQs of dead newts. So I chucked it and went loafing, apparently I also chucked sanity and went mad. How else would I do a road trip 500 odd Kilometres each way, across Tamil Nadu in the middle of May, not the very merry month of May let me assure you. They said "only mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the mid-May sun" (to bastardize a phrase). The last time I checked my passport, it said Republic of India so I guess all I have to say is..woof woof growlll.
So we went Chennai-Pondicherry-Trichy/Srirangam(where we had amazing lunch both onward and return journey)-Dundigal- and hold your breath...Kodaikanal. So you see, there was method to this madness after all. Spent a week or so there in this lovely 100 year old house, with a pear and plum orchard attached. There was a lot of birding to be done, saw quite a few exotic species. The highlight of the trip of course was to be the encounters with the Gaur.
So here is how it happened, to borrow words from Monk.Early one morning, I was running around the Sholas trying to invade the privacy of a Black-and-orange Flycatcher (Ficedula nigrorufa), when I reached a small valley, the end of the road for the chase, but then we had binoculars, so we played paparazzi, without a camera for a bit, before I was politely interrupted by a low grunt from behind. I turn around to look and see this massive specimen of Gaur, standing a few feet away, looking apologetic for ruining my morning birding. However, the rest of his herd, all ten of them, weren't looking quite so apologetic. I was screwed, to put it politely, It was perhaps a good thing that I had answered Mother Nature's call just a few moments before this event, otherwise there would have been an addition to the groundwater levels of Periyakulam down in the plains.
Stuck between a herd of wild animals and a valley and all I could think of were sidey jokes like Gaur farmaiyie and Gaur se suno while simultaneously freaking out. somehow managed to walk away edging along the valley and scooting while they were looking for leaves to eat. When I got home, I found that the Gaur had already been there looking for me, and in the process had trampled all over the flower beds.
Update: I have just been informed that Rakhi Sawant once said something like "Insaan nahin to kya saand peeche padenge” I guess I should be happy, insaan nahin to kum se kun saand to peeche pade hain
Friday, November 30, 2007
On same trip , I was harassed by colleague (aged around 30) who wanted to join the army, I told him realization struck too late. He then proceeded to bombard me with questions ,which I attempted to answer to the best of my knowledge. It was like explaining things to a block of set cement.After half an hour he asks me "so Subedar Major is senior to Major aa?"...At least the block of cement doesn't have stupid questions like this. So this is when I decided to have some fun. When the next question arrived I decided to amuse myself. No point explaining things to this idiot bolke.
Idiot: So Major will go in field aa?
Aus : Well. If there are no bathrooms around then he will.
Bouncer for idiot. Next delivery.
Idiot : Will General go in field?
Aus : Chi no! What will the troops say.
Idiot : (Now confused and exasperated.) Who will go in field then!!!
Aus : Field Marshall will go in the field man
Suddenly visions of old Sam Bahadur running with lota in hand through fields came to mind..almost fell out of the jeep laughing.
Idiot: So Major will go in field aa?
Aus : Well. If there are no bathrooms around then he will.
Bouncer for idiot. Next delivery.
Idiot : Will General go in field?
Aus : Chi no! What will the troops say.
Idiot : (Now confused and exasperated.) Who will go in field then!!!
Aus : Field Marshall will go in the field man
Suddenly visions of old Sam Bahadur running with lota in hand through fields came to mind..almost fell out of the jeep laughing.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
In extremely bad taste.
Willie Wanker and the Condom Factory.
It's the story of an ordinary chap; Charlie Fucket. His was no longer or thicker than anyone else's, nor did he last longer..He was an ordinary youngster from an ordinary family, who was soon to become the "Luckiest" chap on earth...
Now we come to our main chap. Some 20 years or so ago, Willy Wanker opened the largest condom factory in the world ..Where condoms were made by Latexed methods.However, spies(SPECTRE and THRUSH) stole his latex and flavoured lubricants so he closed the factory. Not forever though. Suddenly WW decided to allow 5 people to visit the factory and one of them will win a special "prize" at the end. Does this sound suspiciously like a pop star who is black and white (and heard all over)?
So back to the youngsters
The youngsters have to find one of the five golden tickets hidden beneath the ordinary wrapping paper of five 10 pack dotted Wanker packs. So, Augustus Gloop (who used bear grease for lubrication, hence his name), Veruca Slut (a spoilt English ...ahem), Violet Disregarde (she blew stuff), Mike Teavee (who prefers the box to making whopee) and Charlie Fucket (the "luckiest" boy in the entire world) win tickets and visit the factory.
Full "Accidents" happen on tour...Gloops brings his own gloop slips on it and falls into molten rubber...thus making him look like a rishtedaar of spiderman. Violet tries licking up flavoring ingredient from the machine and manages to get stuck to the onion garlic flavour waala machine and no one wants to go near to release her.Then one more person tries to bugger a rodent and falls into a chute..a chutE..and not a ..chut.
Anywho..Charlie wins the competition. Unfortunately for him the prize is to be the heir of the condom factory as well as Willie Wanker's own personal exclusive love slave, as Willie was tired of Wanking. Charlie is upset as that would mean leaving his beloved sheep behind..as well as his beloved sheep's behind, therefore he declines..Willie realises the importance of sheep and shifts his line to the dairy industry...Willie, Charlie and Dolly live happily until the sequel.
Willie Wanker and the Condom Factory.
It's the story of an ordinary chap; Charlie Fucket. His was no longer or thicker than anyone else's, nor did he last longer..He was an ordinary youngster from an ordinary family, who was soon to become the "Luckiest" chap on earth...
Now we come to our main chap. Some 20 years or so ago, Willy Wanker opened the largest condom factory in the world ..Where condoms were made by Latexed methods.However, spies(SPECTRE and THRUSH) stole his latex and flavoured lubricants so he closed the factory. Not forever though. Suddenly WW decided to allow 5 people to visit the factory and one of them will win a special "prize" at the end. Does this sound suspiciously like a pop star who is black and white (and heard all over)?
So back to the youngsters
The youngsters have to find one of the five golden tickets hidden beneath the ordinary wrapping paper of five 10 pack dotted Wanker packs. So, Augustus Gloop (who used bear grease for lubrication, hence his name), Veruca Slut (a spoilt English ...ahem), Violet Disregarde (she blew stuff), Mike Teavee (who prefers the box to making whopee) and Charlie Fucket (the "luckiest" boy in the entire world) win tickets and visit the factory.
Full "Accidents" happen on tour...Gloops brings his own gloop slips on it and falls into molten rubber...thus making him look like a rishtedaar of spiderman. Violet tries licking up flavoring ingredient from the machine and manages to get stuck to the onion garlic flavour waala machine and no one wants to go near to release her.Then one more person tries to bugger a rodent and falls into a chute..a chutE..and not a ..chut.
Anywho..Charlie wins the competition. Unfortunately for him the prize is to be the heir of the condom factory as well as Willie Wanker's own personal exclusive love slave, as Willie was tired of Wanking. Charlie is upset as that would mean leaving his beloved sheep behind..as well as his beloved sheep's behind, therefore he declines..Willie realises the importance of sheep and shifts his line to the dairy industry...Willie, Charlie and Dolly live happily until the sequel.
Friday, August 03, 2007
Sutti.
( Disclaimer: Not like Thor's hammer...)
It is all a matter of perspective...
Remember the story of the little boy who stuck his finger where it did not belong and hence saved Holland from floods?
In Holland they call you a hero for sticking your finger in a dyke. In the U.S they would call you a sex offender for the same.
Someone came to my blog looking for "Lanja Rambha"...Talk about casting aspersions (on my charachter, i meant, who cares about Rambha). Let me clarify. This blog is named "Thus Spake Australopithecus" and not "Mehandi Galli (now on information super-highway)", "Star Whores" or ever "whore ni amma!" and name is not Pori Seenu, Gowliguda Ganesh.
In my day back in prehistory we didn't have whores. We didn't need them. We had clubs.
A stitch in time.....messes with the gravitational field.
Whereas a Stich in 1991 won Wimbledon.
A Stich with thyme serves nine...cannibals?
O.k. That was too much even for me!
( Disclaimer: Not like Thor's hammer...)
It is all a matter of perspective...
Remember the story of the little boy who stuck his finger where it did not belong and hence saved Holland from floods?
In Holland they call you a hero for sticking your finger in a dyke. In the U.S they would call you a sex offender for the same.
Someone came to my blog looking for "Lanja Rambha"...Talk about casting aspersions (on my charachter, i meant, who cares about Rambha). Let me clarify. This blog is named "Thus Spake Australopithecus" and not "Mehandi Galli (now on information super-highway)", "Star Whores" or ever "whore ni amma!" and name is not Pori Seenu, Gowliguda Ganesh.
In my day back in prehistory we didn't have whores. We didn't need them. We had clubs.
A stitch in time.....messes with the gravitational field.
Whereas a Stich in 1991 won Wimbledon.
A Stich with thyme serves nine...cannibals?
O.k. That was too much even for me!
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Keep the flag flying.
"So why do you Tams wear your lungis like that" she asked. Shaken from semi slumber (which I can fall into anyplace anytime, especially if you mention words like normal mode analysis), I very intelligently remark "Huh?". She repeats the question. and I launch into it as Sidhu used to launch into a well flighted delivery. Speaking of launch is that what bongs do at the Taj Bengal?
"Firstly its not a lungi its a Veshti"
" Same thing only, why but?" she asks
"Its like a flag flying at half mast. We do it to mourn the death of Tamil culture due to invasion of this alleged culture from the north. The north being anywhere above Sriharikota (speaking of launches yet again)."
But I digress we fly our flags..err our Veshtis at half mast and like Dougal McDougal we use our noses to play Abide with me. "
"Isn't that also an invasion of culture?" she very astutely points out.
"Well, ahem, yes, but some of us love the British (aka "the britishers aka verry decent fellows saar, not like these Americans scoundrels saar, all wearing only nicker and roaming here and there saar.). Also it allows the light sea breeze to cool the fundamentals. In the hot humid summer, there is nothing like a breeze cooling your future generations. After all isn't it a parents duty to ensure comfort of their young, both current and future? "
"So why do you Tams wear your lungis like that" she asked. Shaken from semi slumber (which I can fall into anyplace anytime, especially if you mention words like normal mode analysis), I very intelligently remark "Huh?". She repeats the question. and I launch into it as Sidhu used to launch into a well flighted delivery. Speaking of launch is that what bongs do at the Taj Bengal?
"Firstly its not a lungi its a Veshti"
" Same thing only, why but?" she asks
"Its like a flag flying at half mast. We do it to mourn the death of Tamil culture due to invasion of this alleged culture from the north. The north being anywhere above Sriharikota (speaking of launches yet again)."
But I digress we fly our flags..err our Veshtis at half mast and like Dougal McDougal we use our noses to play Abide with me. "
"Isn't that also an invasion of culture?" she very astutely points out.
"Well, ahem, yes, but some of us love the British (aka "the britishers aka verry decent fellows saar, not like these Americans scoundrels saar, all wearing only nicker and roaming here and there saar.). Also it allows the light sea breeze to cool the fundamentals. In the hot humid summer, there is nothing like a breeze cooling your future generations. After all isn't it a parents duty to ensure comfort of their young, both current and future? "
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