Monday, October 31, 2011

You know what irritates me.
These forensic shows on TV. I mean. I love watching them, don't get me wrong. I mean I even have 3 seasons of Bones on DVD. Of course not, I am joking, I may have torrents but.
Anyhow the thing that bugs me the most is this . Investigators find unknown substance stuck to victims nose hair. 3 hours later techs have carried out "analysis" on the "GC-MS" and will tell you all kinds of things about this previously unknown substance such as its name, billing address, mother's maiden name and social security number.

As someone who has had many sleepless nights developing a method for analysis using a GC-MS. It makes me want to curl up in a fetal position and cry. Here is a small note to those who write these shows.

Dear fornicators.

Do you even know how difficult it is to develop new methods of analysis for known compounds let alone unknown compounds. You could take 6 months varying all kinds of parameters to get the extraction, derivatization , GC-MS operating settings and all that just perfect, and you still will fuck up. There was this funny, charming and handsome researcher who was trying to develop a method to analyze an equally charming substance., who worked for six months on getting this right. He was getting decent recovery for samples of concentration 100 ng/L to 500 ng/L anything above and below..sorry not happening. And note, yes ng nano gram not fucking mg.
Plus very rarely will you find the same chappie in a lab coat that will carry out this analysis, be able to tell you that the maggots you found in the victim's rectum masturbated thrice daily after feeding on flesh(the maggots- not the chap in the straitjacket labcoat) and solve that unfinished theorem left on the murdered physicist's black board and hack into the NSA database all while juggling spent shell casings while bonking the hot waitress from the diner while playing MMORPGs . Scientists aren't supermen. Even if some of us think we are, and wear our underpants over our trousers. We can't do everything. Most of us can barely understand stuff that is out side our fields of specialization. What this does is make people ask us, "Hey! I found this packet of white powder in my house, can you put it in your 'GC-MS' and tell me what it is?". This causes us to have responses like "let me tell you what you can do with this powder, try dissolving it in some alcohol, if it dissolves, inject it into your veins. If you get high...proceed as normal. If you die, my problem is solved". I don't like orange jumpsuits very much.


Prisoner 56542
Rikers Island.

The chap who killed Gandhi was a huge asshole, you know.. Nathuram Goatse.

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Right, those of you who know me offline know that I have been the victim of a receding hairline for quite sometime now. Now with economic times (or even mint) being as they are, the "recession" has only worsened. I decided to drastically change my hairstyle

I've had it cut very close and have grown my beard. You know the law of conservation of hair: hair can neither be created nor destroyed, It just moves from your head to all over the rest of your body - anyhow not being a blog dedicated to the whys and wherefores of personal grooming let me proceed to the matter at hand.

So yes the look I was aiming for is the excellent Bob Christo look. For those of you who do not know who the esteemed Mr Christo is, please jump in a dry well err no gentle reader please go now and pay homage to our new overlord..Google.

When the long suffering love of my life, Lucy, took a look at the pictures I uploaded immediately after the haircut.She not drugs, get your mind out of the crack house- It was just a normal PG rated snort. Speaking of crack, I used to think, when I was a kid, that a crack whore was a prostitute who was extremely good at what she did, you know like a "crack regiment" or something....I wonder how many crack regiments are posted in Afghanistan - oh wait cocaine doesn't come from poppy. Perhaps from mommy then?

Would you call a person who only has butt sex for a financial consideration, a crack whore?

Anywho, I digress. So Lucy was all like "Bob Christo. You can't even make Rami Reddy on a good day"

Well I guess it is true for filmi henchmen, just as in any other profession. First you start small. Like being a sidekick to a small time eve teaser that harasses the hero's sister, then you move up to larger things like harassing heroines, looking on with a Tharki look on your face as the thakur attempts to outrage the modesty of random village girl, and so on. Then after a process of reviews and appraisals, carried out after each successful heist, robbery, thuggery or rape, you slowly move up the ranks. Until you reach the gold standard of well..err gold smuggler in the Hindi films of the 1970s. You can then chose to diversify your portfolio to drugs, diamonds or even Eastern European dancers who do item numbers in Allu Arjun films. I do not know which is more dangerous to sanity. Of course you could lose it all(money, sanity and self respect) when go down that deadly spiral of importing cheaply made fakes from China - you know Nickey and Robuck shoes, Giovanni musk after shave lotion / battery acid, Kannan cameras, Kashi-o and Trollex watches all sold at the finest shacks in Burma Bazaar, Madras (or to be politically correct - Myanmar Market, Chennai)

Speaking of Mints.

Monday to Friday i steal my neighbor's copy of the Mint. On Saturdays i gloat and savour each issue in a weirdly creepy way. Don't judge me, all I wanted was to lootofy paanch mint ka mazaa.

Monday, July 18, 2011

In Soviet Russia, all chefs are commis chefs.

Thursday, May 05, 2011

Signs that you are in New Jersey.

1) They play bhangra pop music in strip clubs.
2) you can buy old monk rum, Haywards 5000 beer
3) YOu get pan pasand and Swad at the Indian store, speaking of Pan Pasand, I even saw Archana Joglekar in NJ.
4) Someone fills 'gas' for you. Unilke to the rest of the US (well except Oregon,I think) where you fill your own gas. Mostly desis.

5)Oh and you get junk mail like this.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Losing my touch.

A new cell was set up by interpol to monitor the illegal spice trade. What is worrying is that the spice and spice powder trade is used as a front to smuggle other types of "powders" if you know what I mean. It became quite famous this cell, I'm sure you've all heard about the Loung arm of the Law!

In other news, Rajnikanth pledged support last week to Anna Hazare, this week pesky overenthu photographers got a picture of him voting, and it was seen that the great man voted for ADMK. From Anna to Amma. Rajni is keeping it all in the family.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Rajnikanth listened to Rebecca Black's Friday on Tuesday.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Drunken Conversation. Part 32423.

A: Did you know...Aetna is the goddess of wisdom?
B: Oh I thought it was an Insurance company?
A: Correct. But who ever is the goddess of wisdom...Who is the goddess of Chandamama or even Champak.
B: Chacha Chaudhry!
A: Hey I said goddess.
B: Chacha Chaudhary is a transexual.
A: Then Sabu?
B: Look at him!!! always in leather chaddi and with big ear rings...he has to be gay.
A: That is stereotyping re fucker!! But wait... Sabu is CC's gay lover?
B: Ya! Well if he is transexual, I'm not sure how the gay lover part.....
A: So all the Volcano's "exploding" on that a euphemism for...
B: Yep!
A: Faaaaaaaaarkkkkk.

On a related note, have you seen this?

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Breaking news,

A large grizzly bear was found roaming the streets of Tripoli. Said bear was found to speak! Unfortunately no one could understand the bears deafening cries. However, researchers on board the Greek vessel C.R.V Papadapolus (not to be confused with the Papad police, you know, those working in certain restaurants, who do not give you an extra papad in "plate meals")sailing in the Mediterranean Sea were in an ideal position to listen and record these rantings. They were stunned when they were able to recognize a few English phrases in all the gibberish. Our intrepid reporters listened to this recording and all they could make out were the words, Suppress Oppress and Depress.

Eye witnesses have described this ursine entity to sketch artists who have then created an image of what this entity could look like. Those readers who are currently in the vicinity of North Africa should exercise caution -and wear ear plugs and avoid banana bajji at all costs.

Sources in high places (ie those up a tree hiding from this creature) tell us that this bear like creature could be among the many mercenaries hired by the Qaddafi - the man who put the dick in dic(k)tator to, you guessed it, suppress oppress and depress his subjects.

I didn't know you could suppress, oppress and depress subjects, in school it was the subjects that suppressed oppressed and depressed me. Especially maths.

Other sources tell us that this is a complete lie, this entity is merely a tourist stuck in Libya,who is looking for some food.

Further sources tell us that the entity is merely looking for the editor of a certain Tamil magazine which shall remain nameless. They also tell us that there are WMDs in Iraq and the Yeti married the third cousin of the Abominable snowman (or snowperson to be politically correct, as this post is mainly about politics). As of now this whole thing remains unclear.

Watch this space for more.

An "artist's rendition" of entity is given below.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Is Gouda cheese popular in Karnataka?
No more Mubarak allowed in Egypt,

How will they wish each other for Eid?

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

A: So wait, what if the girls don't come to your party? It'll be a complete sausage fest!!
B: Yes, indeed the Wurst case scenario.