Sunday, January 31, 2010

Saw what an all happened at the Aus v/s Pak game eh? That bugger Afridi bitoff the ball men. God olly knows whatanall he was thinking olly. He misunderstood the term "first bite of the cherry" they are saying it seems.

What men, immediately send off that bloody bugger to Suzie's spoken English classes men. Pakistan don't need a bloomin' cricket coach olly, they need a language coach men - also a bullet proof coach to take them from the airport to their homes an all, otherwise all these roadside buggers will stone em to death men. No other work olly they have.

I 'ope this Afridi's girlfriend doesn't get ideas an all from this men...other wise our fellow will be constantly no-balled.Don't go near Darell Hair and all men, nasty bugger he is. My cousin Kenny is there min in Australia, his neighbor olly he is (Aussies and neighbors go together it seems). Yesterday only he was tellin', that Hair fullo is a useless bugger and all.
Would you call a really easily satisfied begger a "Chauvanist"? Give him a chauvanni and he will be happy.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

We will rock you!

Why is Australia full of pricks? It was once a "penal" colony.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

ipad? Really? Do you only use it on certain days of the month? What about men then?

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Man bites dog

Much fun, all those who are still on facebook, pliss to go look.

From there I see this news item with a headline.

Movie Made By Chimpanzees To Air On The BBC (VIDEO)

"Wow!" I said to myself. I often talk to myself, I make very interesting conversation. Also, I'm probably the only one who likes the sound of my voice and can tolerate self for more than 10 minutes.

I digress, so where was I? Yes, I was looking at the headline and saying "Wow!" to myself. It could have been worse, I could have imitated an old Vivek Oberoi - drain cleaner err I meant Vanilla coke advert and said "Wakaoooooooo", I am digressing again.

"Wow!"(the same wow, now with 20% extra xylitol). "I did not know that they showed Salman Khan's movies on the BBC." Then it struck me. It boletho, not Salman Khan, he only goes after Black bucks and other dumb creature like that, which brings us back to Vivek Oberoi. Back to the point now. It struck me that the headline said movies BY chimps- so it might not be Sallu.

Then I got this sinking feeling (just like the captain of the Titanic did), they couldn't that would be inhuman. The BBC for all its faults, is not that sadistic and cruel...they couldn't be telecasting Ramu ki Aag now could they?

So I clicked on the link with great trepidation, only to find, much to my relief - It was not Ramu or Sallu, but our dear distant cousins who share a lot of things with us, including around 98% genetic matter (wow! they do? Should have let them go and write my genetics exams through undergrad- might have done better,because the papers were usually set by one of their biradari wonly).

This could be dangerous no- Chimpanzees live very exciting lives and they roam about with less clothes than Mallika Sherawt, Throw in an item number or two (not by Jane Goodall pliss) and they might give stiff competition to all of Imran Hashmi's films.
Lord knows, they can act better than he can. Soon we will see chimps taking over from the Hindi film industry and hiring Mahesh Bhatt to be their official spokesperson, for obvious reasons. He behaves exactly like a chimp during interviews, scratches here and there and becomes super aggressive suddenly basically like them only fighting for Alpha position.

Soon they may take over our airlines as well, and the airlines will be better managed, slowly this way they spread like some insidious disease and take over the world. You remember Charlton Heston in the Planet of the Apes- our collective batkus will be like that.

Well, by by ours, I mean actually yours, you see an Australopithecus- is halfway between humans and apes. so I'm covered any which way.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

For some strange reason, I've been in the grips of nostalgia for the last few days. Usually I welcome nostalgia...I am all for the "Un dinon mein..."type speeches. This time around it gives me something to think about. In a couple of months it will be 10 years since I wrote my ISC exams. This fact crept up behind me and hit me on the head with a lead pipe, while I was listening to 90s indipop songs on youtube. Heh!

Looking back I feel that those songs weren't that bad, some were quite good in fact. Is that just nostalgia talking or was it because of the subsequent hijacking of indipop by bad bhangra-pop, remix and most importantly titillating videos, that made you yearn for the "good old days". Let me clarify I am all for titillating videos. I used to watch them on mute, to avoid distractions. That method worked for me.

It is also winter. Winter always screws with my head. I always get nostalgic in winter. Of course America winters being much more severe than winters in the desh, the nostalgia is multiplied? Its all to do with hanging around indoors all day. It is not healthy to spend so much of one's time indoors...but when the temperature outside, in Fahrenheit looks like your Maths marks throughout 11th class - you will stay in believe me. When I said "your Maths marks", I meant of course, mine.

More on this later, I have a paper to finish writing, so I need to find another avenue of procrastination. I leave you with something to listen to.

Saturday, January 09, 2010

A few things.

WTF. My facebook page has been full of women posting the colours of the bras they are currently wearing. I mean come on! This is bloody unfair. When I asked "excuse pliss sweetie, what colour bra you are wearings?" all I got was one tight slap from girl and a lathi up my you know what from friendly neighborhood policewaala. So that resulted in me being black and blue. Now same "sweeties" are revealing the same bleddy information to all and sundry. Wot it is!!

While recovering from said beating in hospital a very kind young lady in next gurney informed me...well not me, she was telling someone over her posh new droid phone all this while I shamelessly eavesdropped. Apparently 'tis all "in aid of breast cancer" it seems.Before you ask me how publicizing the colour of one's bra is going to help fight breast cancer let me abuse you for being an ignoramus. Do you not know that publicizing one's bra colour will help by...err..err..umm. well. hang on. What is the blooming hurry men?

Anyhow. Changing the subject quickly. I feel women should go one step ahead. They should next post measurements also. Now that would be fun. Those that are economists can have fun calculating the "inflation" of those "figures".Fun with SPSS.

Seriously but, breast cancer is a serious issue. There are several websites that urge people, well mostly those of the female persuasion to carry out self exams such as this one

Well if you do not want to do a self exam, get on public transport in India, and several exams will be done for you free of cost, but results might not be reported in a satisfactory manner.

Men get breast cancer too apparently*, how do we support breast cancer- I meant spreading awareness about it not support it like, oh its an awesome thing everyone should get it at least once (I've had it 5 times myself) Do we go out to the victoria's secret shoroom and pick one up, wear it and then declare to the world on facebook? It will lead to a lot more entertainment.

Now we shall move on to another topic of importance. Testicular and prostate cancer.
Now I suggest that in support of these we should openly declare the colour of our underwear. For instance, tomorrow I will go to the gym wearing a jockstrap that used to be grey in colour, but is not due to various factors (which we shall not mention here,being too numerous and embarrassing to enumerate here)are now of an indeterminate colour that is neither dark nor light.
Comeon men it is time to rally around. It is possible to live without breasts, but think about living without your bollocks...Whassat? You aren't a villager? You don't drive bullocks? What do you drive then a Skoda - LAURA?
That is one interestingly named car, leads to many akward sitations

Memsahib to driver.

M: Driver, Laura nikalo.
Driver: Jo hukum memsahib.
Memsahib faints.

Now that you have recovered from the gut wrenching caused by the thought of living without cojones, let me remind you of it again. What would you do for recreation when watching Shakeela films eh? You will have to donate your porn collection. Your mums will wonder why your showers are so short all of a sudden.
On the other hand, there would be no wars, fights, rapes and such likes -But that is no fun.

So join me in this important cause. Please announce the colour of said piece of undergarment on facebook status, if you prefer going Au naturel, then please mention.

* For men, the lifetime risk of getting breast cancer is about 1/10th of 1% (1 in 1,000). (American Cancer Soc.)
Ok I know that is not a standard format for citation, but you aren't my advisor, so I don't really least I hope you aren't. If you are reading this Dr A, this is not me, it is someone else?
(That should keep the adviser confused for a while)