Friday, November 30, 2007
Idiot: So Major will go in field aa?
Aus : Well. If there are no bathrooms around then he will.
Bouncer for idiot. Next delivery.
Idiot : Will General go in field?
Aus : Chi no! What will the troops say.
Idiot : (Now confused and exasperated.) Who will go in field then!!!
Aus : Field Marshall will go in the field man
Suddenly visions of old Sam Bahadur running with lota in hand through fields came to mind..almost fell out of the jeep laughing.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
I have just got back from a whirlwind tour of various tribal villages over 2 districts in AP...No no I haven't joined the Maoists...yet. Doing some survey and all..Oh did I forget to mention..I am gainfully employed once again alas. but then they pay me to loaf and this time they gave me vehicle with "Govt vehicle" sticker on it....so we saved money in all the toll booths, as well as avoided stupid questions from small time officials like "You are Gormint?". No I am Australopithecus.
I am ill. This is what happens when you drink water in some vague tanda. This is how it happened. Here was man telling me how horrid the water was in his village. Then serves me one huge lota of same saline, polluted water with some fluoride thrown in for free. One couldn't refuse...also one was dying of thirst. So as I drank I said to myself. Here is your first sick leave coming.Sure enough....
Then there is another observation. While I was loafing one night in Khammam looking for a medical store..Well they seem to flourish there, so I picked the least sidey looking one and went. Interestingly unlike the city where they stock within easy reach the high selling items like Halls and what not. Here they had condoms , Ozomen capsules ( that is Sildenafil Citrate) and the I-pill. I had to wait in line to buy a strip of digene, behind three people who were all buying condoms. When I reported same to a friend he exploded.".Bloody bastards are getting laid in fucking Khammam, and here in a city of 30 odd lakh women I have to rely on the 'old faithful'"
Thats the problem maybe..they are 30 "odd" lakh women.
Ugh.I think I shall go throw up.
Stomach upset: the ends suffer because of the mean
Friday, November 09, 2007
Apna Tan Sheetal Kare, Auran Ko Sukh Hoye
Aisee Vani boliye, Jo sabse jhagda hoye.
par aise kisi se na boliye, jo aapse tagda hoye.
(heard on TV)
Sunday, October 28, 2007
That was in response to question raised by certain readers reg. a previous post. Now I thought why not list out more stuff I'd like to name.
If I'm rich enough to own a private plane and have a personal pilot...I'd call him Biggles..even if his real name happens to be Ramanathan or Akbar bin Taber or whatever.
I've said this before.
If I ever start a strip club I'd call it "Thong and dance"
If I ran a whore house I'd name it thus " LEGS" and have a sign like this:
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Baap(a.k.a Poojya Pitaji): Savariya! What kind of name is that? I'm sure it won't do well at centres where Tamilian population is high. Savariya? No I'd rather stay alive!!.
Genetics. That is all I can say.
On another note. Laga Chunari mein daag. To kaiku rore..Surf Excel hain na!
What are they trying to sell? Soap or a film?
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Aus: Arey today I was out getting car fixed. Rats ate off wires
PP: WHAT!!! Why aren't you feeding them?
Aus: Arey! What will I eat then?
PP : Wires! Be kind to animals ji.
Aus: Ok, I will now send Andy Symonds a banana.
Bored Sub: But we're all monkeys anyway.
Aus: So is Andrew Symonds...who shouldn't feel too bad...last time the crowd booed tendulkar..so he is in August company...or October in this case.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Friday, October 12, 2007
What did he do to deserve this honour you ask(err the Nobel not the biggest loser kaun competition)? Well according to the website he made "efforts to build up and disseminate greater knowledge about man-made climate change, and to lay the foundations for the measures that are needed to counteract such change"
Alright. fair enough, climate change is an important issue, very close to my heart and all that...But Al Gore!! This is ridiculous. If Al Gore can get a Nobel, why not you or me? eh?
Check your mailboxes, maybe they've sent us all one each(except to Osama.That Nobel is addressed c/o Gen Musharraff). But when Osama gets one...no one will clap, because of the Tali ban.
Yeh Nobel prize nahin No bell prize hai , boletho Ghanta bhi nahin hai prize.
Monday, October 08, 2007
R.P &Zak: Bhagwan ke liye hume chod do.
MH : (rubbing hands in glee) Hehe! Bhagwan ke liye chod doon to mera kya hoga.heheheh
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Friday: Jean-Luc Godard, Salvador Dali, Old Monk, vague discussions ranging from space-time to B Grade movies of the 90's among other things that lasted till 4 AM.
Saturday: Sleep Sleep and more sleep.... and reread some Biggles.
Sunday : Went all the way to Charminar. Pista house Haleem. Tried "veg" haleem, it seems like a glorified cross between upma and pongal...of course floating in ghee. The "normal" Haleem was as good as ever. Then there was some Paya at Shadaab, followed by mutton sheekh kababs. This caused vegetarian friend to remark "Bas kar saale log, nahin to kal subah good morning ke badle mein baaa baaa nikalinga". In retaliation we finished off his paneer tikka as well. This was topped off with "Mashoor" ice cream at Mozam Jahi market.
Monday: Woke up and tried to say good morning...It came out as normal....no baa baa. If it had, one could ahve written a song about it called Baa baa love, and dedicated to the Kiwis. Considered toss up between going birding and going to the derby on Tuesday. I've always found it funny that they insist on holding a race on the 2nd of October.
Tuesday : Happy the budday to Gandhi thatha. Birding cum picnic happened. Sat on the bank of a lake watching Terns, Ibis and various larks, while hogging sandwiches. Made the usual jokes about "doing it for a lark" and "aapka lark lark shukar hai"
Full mazza. Went home and read more Biggles.
So that was my weekend. No jokes here...go away.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
World's oldest condom
The oldest surviving condom in the world has gone on display in an Austrian museum.
The reusable condom dates back to 1640 and is completely intact, as is its orginal users' manual, written in Latin.
The manual suggests that users immerse the condom in warm milk prior to its use to avoid diseases.
The antique, found in Lund in Sweden, is made of pig intestine and is one of 250 ancient objects related to sex on display at the Tirolean County Museum in Austria this summer.
Yes yes condoms and Lunds seem to go together...
Monday, September 17, 2007
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Willie Wanker and the Condom Factory.
It's the story of an ordinary chap; Charlie Fucket. His was no longer or thicker than anyone else's, nor did he last longer..He was an ordinary youngster from an ordinary family, who was soon to become the "Luckiest" chap on earth...
Now we come to our main chap. Some 20 years or so ago, Willy Wanker opened the largest condom factory in the world ..Where condoms were made by Latexed methods.However, spies(SPECTRE and THRUSH) stole his latex and flavoured lubricants so he closed the factory. Not forever though. Suddenly WW decided to allow 5 people to visit the factory and one of them will win a special "prize" at the end. Does this sound suspiciously like a pop star who is black and white (and heard all over)?
So back to the youngsters
The youngsters have to find one of the five golden tickets hidden beneath the ordinary wrapping paper of five 10 pack dotted Wanker packs. So, Augustus Gloop (who used bear grease for lubrication, hence his name), Veruca Slut (a spoilt English ...ahem), Violet Disregarde (she blew stuff), Mike Teavee (who prefers the box to making whopee) and Charlie Fucket (the "luckiest" boy in the entire world) win tickets and visit the factory.
Full "Accidents" happen on tour...Gloops brings his own gloop slips on it and falls into molten rubber...thus making him look like a rishtedaar of spiderman. Violet tries licking up flavoring ingredient from the machine and manages to get stuck to the onion garlic flavour waala machine and no one wants to go near to release her.Then one more person tries to bugger a rodent and falls into a chute..a chutE..and not a ..chut.
Anywho..Charlie wins the competition. Unfortunately for him the prize is to be the heir of the condom factory as well as Willie Wanker's own personal exclusive love slave, as Willie was tired of Wanking. Charlie is upset as that would mean leaving his beloved sheep behind..as well as his beloved sheep's behind, therefore he declines..Willie realises the importance of sheep and shifts his line to the dairy industry...Willie, Charlie and Dolly live happily until the sequel.
Friday, August 03, 2007
After a long discourse that started from string theory and was skilfully guided by various people to this zoological discussion on a certain man's hypothetical cat, who was half alive and half dead at the same time. Then onto the many worlds interpretation. Whereupon I jumped up and cried in excitement...So that means if there are n possible outcomes, there are also n parallel universes where each event definitely occurs? Boletho I don't have to back the right horse for the Deccan Derby, just the right universe to run it in?
If looks could kill!
...In a related story. Werner Heisenberg was once pulled over for driving too fast. When they asked him "do you know how fast you were going!". He said " No, but I know where I am".
( Disclaimer: Not like Thor's hammer...)
It is all a matter of perspective...
Remember the story of the little boy who stuck his finger where it did not belong and hence saved Holland from floods?
In Holland they call you a hero for sticking your finger in a dyke. In the U.S they would call you a sex offender for the same.
Someone came to my blog looking for "Lanja Rambha"...Talk about casting aspersions (on my charachter, i meant, who cares about Rambha). Let me clarify. This blog is named "Thus Spake Australopithecus" and not "Mehandi Galli (now on information super-highway)", "Star Whores" or ever "whore ni amma!" and name is not Pori Seenu, Gowliguda Ganesh.
In my day back in prehistory we didn't have whores. We didn't need them. We had clubs.
A stitch in time.....messes with the gravitational field.
Whereas a Stich in 1991 won Wimbledon.
A Stich with thyme serves nine...cannibals?
O.k. That was too much even for me!
Monday, July 23, 2007
A friend of mine went to Bangkok recently, the city and not the action. He was telling about some of his experiences there. When one talks about koks can pussies be far behind?
So this chap goes to this show where women are doing weird things, with various parts of their anatomy. Like this one: Women are opening beer bottles with their unmentionables.
Woah! I have trouble just opening bottles with openers, (these days the openers spend lots of time in the dressing room). No, but seriously, how did they come up with this idea.
Dyam! No opener...I wonder if I could open it with my cunt?
Friday, July 20, 2007
One suggestion to all chaps on Orkut: If you do list one of your passions as "writing" try spelling it with a W.Spelling it with a single T would also be nice (Afzal ek single T , do Osmania biskoot laane jaldi).Avoiding statement like "I am a simple man guy " would be great. Especially that insistence, by stating the fact twice, makes one wonder...But this one is great "i am selfmad man." At least this gentleman has the honesty to admit it.He drove himself crazy, imagine what he could do to you!
Incoherence is avoidable...
"wht to say an where to start with mee colll but talkitive an g luv music an carz an bikez don't 4get frndz too im a guy who want to be with frndz aonly most of da time..........
me do hav a friendly nature an love to increase them so do be my frnd u will be in a diif world an i do like to hav frndz like u all so plzzz vote SO PL VOTE 4TAJMAHAL PLZZZZZZZ AT LEAST 4THE SAKE OS INDIA 'S GLOURY"
...As is the repetition of the last alphabet of a word N number of times, such as "plzzzzzzzzzzzzzz", "moreeeeeeeeeeeee" and "i lovvveeeeeeeeee trishaaaaaaaa"
Bloomers like these will be laughed at, and you will be made fun off.
like this guy,who says:
"im a cute but fatty gut an i wann to reduce da weight an they tell it is done only by makin more frndz so i joined da orkut so............"
Oh i've got a gut feeling about you...and es ist nicht gut. Oh now I nknow why I'm not losing weight. I've only been making friends on orkut, not frndz. Could someone tell me how I could go about making Frndz?"i do like to drink coolll drinkzmore.....................lik to shop an watch flims an do many more so wht do u say................................................"
'lik'? Whiskey Tango foxtrot is that? What do I say? I say jump in a dry well.
And as far as i know, being the young fogey that i am..Linakan park is not a band...in fact Linkin park should be banned.
His take on interaction with the opposite sex
"wht to tell more abt me im a very decent guy an love to flert girlz an i do it widh style an i think abt them before but i think i cannot now bcoz im angaged now so u hav to all tell abt me by adding me up..........................................................shure do add me up to get a very good frnd..........................................."
I swallowed all that...but.
now here is where I got suspicious...it could be a huge put up job...couldn't it.
"cuisines: many r their but srikanth an keerthii r my favroite cos......... "
oh well...as long as I laughed.
Thursday, July 05, 2007
yay! (fanfare) . Throws confetti in the air.
right thats all now..shows over. Ta-ta bye-bye pip-pip and all that.
oh! and you might want to read a post i wrote over here for Anil's blog's birthday. .
and now mine..like one celebrates ones birthday by eating out..I celebrated by writing out.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Friday, June 15, 2007
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
If I don't drive around the park,
I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
If I'm in bed each night by ten,
I may get back my looks again,
If I abstain from fun and such,
I'll probably amount to much,
But I shall stay the way I am,
Because I do not give a damn.
Monday, May 28, 2007
I don't have too much to say. Since that's never stoped me before..why should it stop me now.
I just saw the keyword analysis thingamajig on Statcounter and I find that someone has arrived at this particular point in cyberspace looking for :
a) Telangana porn: Yes lots of that here. Plenty of women named Pochamma, Pullaamma etc. caught in various positions performing various acts of personal nature.…Those regionally minded people who only want Andhra porn please watch films like Rajamhundry Rambha, Vayasu Pilustundi raa and such like.
b)Teleshopping sauna belts: If you’ve ever seen me you wouldn’t even mention “fitness” products and my name in the same sentence, especially these dodgy ones. Of course I don’t complain while watching the commercials. I once watched two such programmes back to back because I was too lazy to get off my rear and find the remote control.
c) hindi meaning of khatmal in English: I swear I did not make this up. I can’t even understand it, how can I make it up katte! Will some of the more educashunned peepuls reading this blog please explain to me what the Hindi meaning of khatmal in English is, please thrown in German subtitles as well.
d) traffic jam bappi lahiri lyrics: Aah! Finally! I am in my element now. I'm not totally sure but I think this song Traffic Jam was in that film Rock Dancer...that also boasted of that amazingly creative piece called "you are my chicken fry" It's is being remixed and used for KFC's new ad campaign katte, not Traffic Jam..the other one..Traffic Jam ought to be Hyderabad's new theme song.
e) Last and definitely not the least was the search for Telangana. : All I have to say is
Bad Request Error 404 . Constitute second SRC then try again.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Officer1: Hey! What do you think about this deo?
Officer2: Arey! It's too flower-flowery-girly-girly smelling yaar.
Officer1: So what?
Officer2: We are men now!
Saturday, May 12, 2007
So comments from yours truly in brackets.
This is an actual 100% genuine press release. except for my 81 paise worth. Thanks to boredsub for sending me this press release.
THE BOARD OF CONTROL FOR CRICKET IN INDIA
Hon. Secretary's Office, BCCI, Rajkot
12th May, 2007
Regarding update on injury of Majnoj Tiwary.
(Manoj? ya Majnu?)
Mr Niranjan Shah, Hon Secretary, BCCI has announce following update on injury of Manoj Tiwary.
"Manoj Tiwary sustained an injury to the right shoulder while fielding at Dhaka. His shoulder came out and this was then relocated by Indian team physio Mr John Gloster.
(His shoulder came out, but the rest of him is straight)
Today Dr Anant Joshi examines Manoj at Mumbai and his MRI revealed a tear of antero inferior labrum. ( Inferior! Now I know you are talking about the cricket team)
(Ise kehte hain, international cricket dekhte ich uski phat gayi.)
Considering Manoj's age and demands of his dominant arm, arthroscopic shoulder surgery will be done by Dr Joshi on Monday. (Demands of his dominant arm, at his age too. The BCCI should not only foot his bill, but set him up as well. You wouldn't want him , to further damage anything in performing demanding activities with dominant arm.)
Post surgery, he is likely to be in a sling for three to four weeks and will then require rehab. Before full function can be achieved." ( He is likely to be in a sling eh? Why? Is he training to go on the moon mission? Will they put him on the sling and swing him round round round untill he reaches escape velocity?)
Philhal bus itna hi. Agli baar phir milenge. Namaskar.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Sunday, April 15, 2007
"So why do you Tams wear your lungis like that" she asked. Shaken from semi slumber (which I can fall into anyplace anytime, especially if you mention words like normal mode analysis), I very intelligently remark "Huh?". She repeats the question. and I launch into it as Sidhu used to launch into a well flighted delivery. Speaking of launch is that what bongs do at the Taj Bengal?
"Firstly its not a lungi its a Veshti"
" Same thing only, why but?" she asks
"Its like a flag flying at half mast. We do it to mourn the death of Tamil culture due to invasion of this alleged culture from the north. The north being anywhere above Sriharikota (speaking of launches yet again)."
But I digress we fly our flags..err our Veshtis at half mast and like Dougal McDougal we use our noses to play Abide with me. "
"Isn't that also an invasion of culture?" she very astutely points out.
"Well, ahem, yes, but some of us love the British (aka "the britishers aka verry decent fellows saar, not like these Americans scoundrels saar, all wearing only nicker and roaming here and there saar.). Also it allows the light sea breeze to cool the fundamentals. In the hot humid summer, there is nothing like a breeze cooling your future generations. After all isn't it a parents duty to ensure comfort of their young, both current and future? "
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
There are various types of guests as mentioned above. Some guests are nice well behaved, and when they come to stay they don't use too much water and even help out..so thats great. People who fall into that category are always a pleasure to have. These are usually people you know quite well so its fun also.
There are those guests who are horribly inconsiderate. Wake up late, inconsiderately ask for coffee and chai at odd hours..basically behave the same way I do. But then they make up for it all by treating one to dinner somewhere lots of sins are forgiven on a near bursting stomach.
Then there are those who crib. these second rates sons of sword swallowers behave as if we've put them into Gulag 3. Ooh why don't you have water..it just ran out I only showered for half an hour! The food is too bland...later now it's too spicy. Behaving like prize pricks. (Prize pricks..I didn't know there were such competitions. I just hope they don't actually PIN the blue ribbon on the victorious member)
They are welcome to write about their experiences in the realm of the Australopithecus, giving Alexander Solzhenitsyn competition(after wining the prize pricks and dickhead awards,,they fancy themselves) Luckily we've had only one such person forcibly thrust on us.
Now there are some guests who are horribly nosy...always sticking thier noses into business that doesn't concern them..e.g "who was that girl who called for you?" "why do your parents allow you to go out so late at night.?" ."what is this green stuff I found in your cupboard" . Behenchod! none of your friggin' business....These are not guests. These are the Guestapo. They have "Vays to mek me Tok" alright..but when I talk( or tok in German subtitles) its definitely not PG rated.
Guests may be good bad or nasty..they are always interesting.
Monday, April 02, 2007
Thursday, March 15, 2007
So I state again, I have very little to do. I occupy my time watching vague stuff on TV. Last night/this morning I spent my time watching the exhilarating Kenya v/s Canada match. One comment. Anderson Cleophas Cummins. (Cleophas..snigger snigger). Cummins earler played for the West Indies in the early 90s. Was it just my imagination or was the 40 year old Cummins (41 this May) bowling faster than what 22 year old Irfan Pathan is sending down these days.
What amazing fitness I say! To be playing sports at the international level at his age. At this ripe old age of 20 odd I find it difficult to get off the sofa and look for the remote control. This laziness is also one of the reasons I actually watched the game in the first place. It is also responsible for my watching such lovely teleshopping commercials like super slicer and slim sauna belt (the 'babe' in it has nothing to do with it I assure you).
Some might remember Cummins from his role in the Barbados match v/s South Africa. The enthu lot among you who actually bothered to visit the link might remark..Hey! he is not even listed in the scorecard. That is true. When Cummins , a native of Barbados, was left out of the team, the public decided to..no no they didn't burn effigies of Greg Chappel, regional news channel didn't exisit solely because of this event. They didn't even burn down Kensington Oval. They merely boycotted the match. They held aloft a banner proclaming "No Cummings, No Goings" which i thought was hilarious at the time.
When you are most famous for a game you didn't play...
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Somethings been getting my goat. SMS polls and contests. They started out fine, some quite interesting even. But predictably, they run out of things to ask. This lead us to gems like this one on (I think it was DD news)
1) Who will win the world cup.
A) India B) Sri Lanka
SMS your answers to...blahblahblah
Right! The other teams are there only for the free food is it? Thanks for coming, sorry there is no return gift. You can have this helmet though, it might protect you from the stoning in your home country ( Attn: Chris Gayle..not that kind of getting stoned)
Come on. Who thinks up dumb questions like that. Worse still who spends the princely amount of Rs 6 to participate in such contest. I mean, its not something of earth shattering importance like this one in Deccan Chronicle and I quote
"Which local socialite got married in a lavish manner in Delhi?"
Three choices were given (if you want them go read DC)
It surely a matter of national, nay, international importance. Faaltu issues like Environment, Education and Food security pale in comparison. How will I ever survive without having an opinion/knowledge of such important questions.
Monday, February 05, 2007
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Part 1 : Yeh desh hai veer jawaano ka.
(with apologies to Plum)
The Army was abolished with help of Social Justice NGOs, as it has inherent class system, jawans can’t sip whiskey in the DSOA club with Generals and so on, so it was proposed, by various groups to remove this class distinction. “How can you have such a caste system in the army” they cried, “when all men are born equal”. “Henceforth all personnel will have the rank of General and then they can ‘social’ise together wherever they want”. If that isn’t true social justice, I don’t know what is. It seems to work fine in many South American and African republics. And they are all doing very well. They have even got together an OPEC type organisation and export items of clothing, under the brand name “Banana Republic”. As a result of this there was as one would expect) large-scale confusion.
General Somu (formerly Sep. Somu) wonders why he should apply gheru and chunna to the trees when General Singh (formerly General Singh) should travel in his black staff car (with red light and four stars), therefore large scale fighting breaks out and as we all know the army has access to weapons…I will spare you the details…all I will say is that it gave a new meaning to the terms ‘Officer’s Mess’ and ‘General Insanity’. The long and the short of it is that, the army was disbanded and as they did not have a band, they could not march and perform drills.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Is this the biggest promotion in the history of the armed forces? Across service lines, from the Army to the Air Force.It could well be unless there was a General Naik running around somewhere.
Must have had a tough time at NDA when he would have been Cdt Major.
I can already hear people saying "kyoon tau fauj mein teer nahin maar sake to vayu sena main ghus gaye?"
But on a more serious note, if I remember correctly, this was the same chap who flew the helicopter in that cable car rescue incident sometime in the 90s, cause I remember making the same joke then.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
So there I was happily listening to woold saangs. Unfortuantely my speakers had a loose connection somewhere (just like the owner) and from time to time produced a few gems.
Song: Aaja Piya- by Lata Mangeshkar
Aaja piya tohe (blank) doon
dede mere haath mein
oho (blank) mera lele.
main (blank) teri leloon.
This one had me rolling on the floor. Such a nice song.I can't listen to it without snickering anymore.Tchah!