Monday, December 20, 2010

Confessions to the Significant Other

A: Err... Lucy, I don't know how to say this to you..umm
Lucy: What? Say na?
A: Err see umm
L: What is it? Are you breaking up with me? Do you have a fetish for farmyard animals,
Did you cheat on me with a bearded female midget?
A: err no, It's far more serious.
L: Bastard, if you don't spit it out I will murder you.
A: Ok. Here goes.deep breath.I have recently become a Ravi Teja fan
L: WTF!NO! This can't be. I wish it had been the bearded midget or something I can deal with. But this, how can you do this to me! Bastard!
A: err. sorry. but while I am confessing, may I also say I am a Balakrishna and Nagarjuna fan as well.
L: Those I can take, but this. How could you....
A: It's not the whole story, I even plan to watch Ravi Teja's forthcoming release first day.
L: Sigh. Na karma!

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Is this what happened to Juulian Assange?

Friday, November 19, 2010

You know you hang out too much with the liberal arts type when you read metamorphic rocks as metaphoric rocks, and not just once or twice may I add.

The main question is why I'm whiling away my time reading about metamorphic rocks on wikipedia when I should ideally be working.Procrastination. I am so bad, I sometimes even procrastinate, procrastination. To know the secret and to join the endless cycle of "unproducticity" keep reading this blog :P

Thursday, November 18, 2010

So, the other day, an illiterate clown was elected to the Brazilian congress. See this.
Now this is why Brazil will someday overtake the US. Here, where illiterate clowns are elected to congress, no one is surprised. In Brazil, it makes international news.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Dear James Anderson,

When they said you need to get ready for the Boxing day test, I don't think this is what they meant.


Thursday, October 07, 2010

Sigh. Don't tell me all this "I like it..." business is in aid of breast cancer again.
First there were posts giving information on underwear colour, now this? Firstly, I don't know how it helps raise awareness about breast cancer, piles, genital warts, supernumerary nipple syndrome or whatever anyone is raising awareness about. That is the point,how is being cryptic helping to get the message across? Also, why does breast cancer receive so much footage, not like getting leukemia or lung cancer is any better, is this like an advertising drive? Don't get any of those cancers, those are strictly for the serfs, die like a toff, get XYZ cancer instead.

But seriously, look at the statistics from the WHO website
* lung (1.3 million deaths/year)
* stomach (803 000 deaths)
* colorectal (639 000 deaths)
* liver (610 000 deaths)
* breast (519 000 deaths)

So why do the other cancers not have people running for them, selling pink ribbons, wrist bands and bumper stickers and so on?

Well one could argue , that a large number of Lung cancer cases are preventable, don't smoke -or live in the vicinity of the Panjagutta circle.

Eating more veggies, they say, could reduce incidence of colorectal cancer,

Liver, well nothing much you can do about that I'm thinking, don't sleep with Pamela Anderson for one and don't catch pesky Hepatitis or HPV infections.

More research is required (by me, I mean) but it's probably because breast cancer is easier to detect, and if caught early has high survival rates, in fact 5 year survival rates for people with breast cancer is over 80% among all age groups. However when looking at 10 year survival rates, it depends a lot on the stage it was detected in and so on, but doesn't look too good.

True, breast cancer is no laughing matter, but I still wonder, if updating your facebook status, leads to anything except frustu boys getting cheap thrills.

Monday, September 27, 2010

What is the song you'd sing after a really shitty end to a relationship
"Pyaar hame kis commode pe le aaya"

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Oh well, that is one sin you might be avoiding.

Seen at a liquor store on Oak Tree Rd. Edison NJ.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Recycled joke

What do you call a military man who appreciates people's backsides.
A Rear- Admiral.

I would have thought he would have been a Navel man

Thursday, September 16, 2010

If the New York Police Department is the NYPD, the Los Angeles Police Department is the LAPD- Is the Kuala Lumpur Police Department the KLPD?

Monday, September 06, 2010

Spot Fixing: Surf Excel hain na.

With all these betting and corruption waale shenanigans affecting cricket today, we are lucky to have a great man at the helm of the International Chutiya Council (ICC). Mr. Shared Power, is an expert in such matters, both in corruption and the second C in ICC. In fact some people say he puts the second C in the ICC;also the chutiya in the term Chutiyagiri (No relation to Shri V.V. Giri- it is however debated if one of the Vs stood for Vela in Shri VVG's name*).

Our correspondent Gummidipoondi Gunasekharan **, reports from the press conference, held by SP and other jokers err..people associated with the ICC. Oh and again by SP I meant the hard nosed Mr Power, nothing "Mulayam" about this SP.

Here are a few excerpts from the PC (again not talking about the Home minister, who shares initials with Press Conference, but given that he addresses so many of them, it does make one wonder)

Shared Power and his brother in arms-deals Asif Ali Sardardi release a joint statement, asking the perps why they did not receive a cut from any of this.

Shared Power also declared that foodgrains rotting in godowns players rotting on benches will be redistributed by PDS. In a related incident 3 people were killed in a lathi-charge and related violence in a ration shop in Chinna Chinta Kunta village, Mahbubnagar zilla, AP, after they received Saurabh Tiwari and Ashwin instead of wheat, rice and kerosene.

and finally,

Piles Clarke immediately demanded an inquiry headed by Paul Condom, to search for this seemingly invisible spot, and the location where it was "fixed".

*Again not to confuse with a similarly named "Golden Beach Resort" on the East Coast Road near Chennai. That would be VGP. Also wrt one of the V = Vela theory, it would then explain the day to day job of the President.
** Gummidipoondi always makes me chuckle, to my years it sounds like a possible vernacular term for a disease of the female private parts.

Monday, August 30, 2010

I don't know about you, but I see a few chinks in their armour.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Do old Hispanic gentlemen have Señor moments?

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Fuck! It is official. Caffeine does not work very well on me,or maybe I am related to Kumbhakarna. So having procrastinated a lot as usual, I found myself with mountains to move in one night. Now as we do not have a degree in civil engineering,only in rude non engineering fields. Fields are for farmer dudes and those chaps creating database files.So speaking of Civil Engineers, does the Indian Army's Corps of Engineers have Civil Engineers? I know their officers are supposed to be gentlemen, so hence all engineers in the Army are Civil? So if I were serving in the EME...but I digress. Mountains moving and all that.

So yes. lots of work. No time for luxuries like sleep and all and this so what does one do, when one has consumed so much tea, that one could call himself Mr Tea and join the cast of the A-team. Well in such cases one allows oneself to be swayed by marketing hype. So for the first time ever, I went to the gas station, where, when I remarked about the sketchiness of the neighborhood..and the neighbor hoods, the desi gas station dude instilled confidence in me by telling me about the time a couple of years back when one of his employees was shot right outside at around the same time of the night. Ok. Nothing to fear but fear itself right...except double integrals, quantum physics and big black men wielding guns. Right so we get to the gas station and bu ourselves a 5 hour energy shot. Which has caffeine in it apart from a load of other dangerous stuff I am thinking, I didn't look at the back, reading all the crazy shit that goes inside would make me hesitate I thought. I just got home and downed it. So I leaned back in my chair and decided to start work in earnest...and the next thing I know was my house mate making chai early in the morning at 11 AM. Fuck this.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Random Diatribe.

I am old enough to know now that sometimes, life hands you lemons and then as the old saying goes you can make lemonade – or dishwashing soap, you know, the ones that are made from real lemons (aah, so that’s what happened to the reels from Kambakkt Ishq.) – Whatever floats your boat? That is alright, one generally recovers from such situation and if you are financially inclined (or fiscally fit as they say to retell an old joke or flog a dead horse. Same thing, only different – you don’t have money riding on the old joke for the 4 o’clock race.)

Aside -What time do they audition for the porno films? 4 o’cock. Well the shooting wasn’t till shaft past 6 anyway so there is no need to go off half cocked. If you don’t want to go off half cocked, do not stick your revolver in your waistband. Holsters were invented for reasons other than Clint Eastwood films and Louis L’Amour books you know…we also had Sudden, J.T. Edson and Max Brand. Now do not confuse Holsters and Hollister’s. A holster is something you stick your gun in…you do not want to go anywhere near a Hollister’s especially if you, like me, have the body (or as they say in good old Hyderabad “personality”) of a beached whale.

Anyhow, coming back to life (if some one says Pink Floyd I will do to you what the MNS buggers would like to do to bhaiyyas in Mumbai)

Now I forgot what point I was trying to make with all the economics business, anyhow, back to lemons, Mojitos and all that.
So as the Poojya Pitaji (P.P henceforth or Col. Sahab) once said tough times build character, but…
I don’t want character. I want to be Prem Chopra or Shakti Kapoor, Aaoo.Lalitha. Aaoo.

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

From the movie Saali Poori Gharwali

"Pager number?

ek saat teen teen chaudah.

I laughed.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Rao Bahadur- A Telugu watchman in Kathmandu ?

Speaking of which does Tarla Dalal have a khukri show in Nepal?

Saturday, May 01, 2010

I have recently been informed that there exists a Telugu Association of North Texas- It is popularly referred to as TANTEX

Much hilarity ensued. I was wondering if membership came with free chaddi-banians of bright colour and unreliable elastic, because you see Tantex to me has been and always will be a brand of underwear.
I used to be the not so proud possessor of one numbers of aforementioned ilk. It caused an embarrassing moment once, when the elastic that held up my underwear, as well as the last remaining vestige of my alleged izzat, decided to avail itself of the Voluntary Retirement Scheme (VRS) and stop functioning with immediate effect.

Did I also mention that this was the day i decided to go back to my roots and immerse myself in Tamizh culture by wearing...a veshti. Now gentle reader do you begin to see why I was harping so much on "izzat".

I then declared that this was not possible and due process had to be followed before VRS could be availed of, and in absence of all the requisite procedures, absence from work was illegal as no forms (in triplicate had been submitted [duly attested by gazetted officers]). I had no choice but to enforce ESMA.

Luckily I had a backup, not trusting self's Veshti management skills, I had cheated and had up my sleeve (not literally), the CRPF....err sorry no I meant a belt.
Now this not being outdoors and not in Madras, there was a small matter of adjusting the damned thing....unlike in Chennai, where adjustment of said piece of clothing even on the roadside, will not cause people to faint with shock. So we stole behind nearest available bush (checking of course for friends of the non legged kind and others whom you wouldn't want crawling up your veshti.We, by we I mean, managed to avert catastrophe long enough to get home and change.

Monday, April 26, 2010

This is something I've been meaning to share for a very long time, I kept forgetting...
but anyway, here you go....

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Do Physicists use Flux soap?

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

The perils of living with Daya

Thursday, April 08, 2010

The secret to making excellent Dum biryani is using good quality tobacco.

or Charminar cigarettes if making Hyderabadi dum biriyani.

Or using Miss South Carolina for Dumb biryani for Hannibal Lecter.
Oh man, when I am procrastinating I usually end up on Youtube, which explains some of the brainchod videos I've been finding. Some of these are below.


...or for decent folk, but since you are here, reading this blog, chances are that you are not of the decent persuasion. If somehow you've wandered here by accident dear Hansel and Gretel, the gingerbread house is down the road 4th left third right "Shilton Cafe backside", Narayanaguda X roads, or to visit their other branch 2nd left from Begum Bazaar Chatri, and watch where you drop those bread crumbs, India is full of bhooke nange people if you listen to the gora log in U.S, they will mug you just like on the Brooklyn bound C train, then you will be bhooka nanga.
I digress so back to brainchod video and audio. Here you go:

No 1:

and as the biology fail Tombolla announcer used to call out What babies do Number 2 how does he do?
Oh speaking of doing, next time someone asks me "How do you do?" I am going to reply - I prefer doggie style but my girlfriend prefers reverse we do like that. I don't want to know how you do, unless you are hot and of the female persuasion, lesbians also welcome.

But here we go.

Kudos to original uploaders.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Oh man, i just found my new favorite song! Right alongside You are my chicken fry from Rock dancer, Night lovers by bappi and Tella Cheera Kala Katuka from the film Sardar Paparayudu (with NTR and Sridevi).
We now have

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Ricky Martin is gay - DNA proudly announces
Editor sahab. This isn't news it's "olds", people figured that out some 13-14 years ago. Come on what is next, more blindingly obvious Headlines? "Politicians are corrupt", "CEOs are well paid" or even "Piles clinic pamphlets are amusing to read". Who cares if Ricky Martin is gay or not? Apparently to commemorate this event Ricky is rewriting one of his old songs to now bring you "Living Libido loco".

Now that, this item agenda is out of the way, the next item is "Water of the Ganges", no I'm not acting in this new magical film called Sorcar Raj.

Now this Sania Mirza - Shoaib Malik thing. This dude seems to have a thing for Hyderabadi girls or what. Now one good thing about this whole thing is that, she is moving to Dubai (I'm resisting making "Dubai gayo" jokes). Sania Mirza and her irritating voice and accent will no longer grate on Hyderabadi nerves. The sad part is, we will no longer see her other not so grating "Ass"ets (as well as the other things) as often as we'd like to - but good luck to her, with her future husbands track record in various alleged marital matters being somewhat iffy, going by press reports, she needs all the luck that she can get.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

"So Australopithecus" he asked. "What motivates you to get up and jump out of bed every morning?".
Mostly my bladder, sometimes the bowels do it. Oh yes also angry phone calls from my advisor.

Oh and this is what I guzzled the other day!

Do note that it is Tempered over burning witches, People from the SPCW needn't partake.

SPCW = Society for prevention of cruelty to witches - not to be confused with the Lady Gaga fan club.

I forced my friend Firefly to take this picture.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Reports of Mick Jagger dating Kate Moss are supposedly untrue. As we all know...A Rolling Stone gathers no Moss.

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

I subscribe to this email list where grad students often put up things for sale, rooms to rent and so on. So this email landed in my inbox this morning,

"I am looking to rent out my bathroom. It has a nice sized closet perfect
for one or even two grad students. The price is negotiable."

I can't stop laughing.

Scary thing is- he might actually get some serious offers, especially in this state.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Saw what an all happened at the Aus v/s Pak game eh? That bugger Afridi bitoff the ball men. God olly knows whatanall he was thinking olly. He misunderstood the term "first bite of the cherry" they are saying it seems.

What men, immediately send off that bloody bugger to Suzie's spoken English classes men. Pakistan don't need a bloomin' cricket coach olly, they need a language coach men - also a bullet proof coach to take them from the airport to their homes an all, otherwise all these roadside buggers will stone em to death men. No other work olly they have.

I 'ope this Afridi's girlfriend doesn't get ideas an all from this men...other wise our fellow will be constantly no-balled.Don't go near Darell Hair and all men, nasty bugger he is. My cousin Kenny is there min in Australia, his neighbor olly he is (Aussies and neighbors go together it seems). Yesterday only he was tellin', that Hair fullo is a useless bugger and all.
Would you call a really easily satisfied begger a "Chauvanist"? Give him a chauvanni and he will be happy.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

We will rock you!

Why is Australia full of pricks? It was once a "penal" colony.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

ipad? Really? Do you only use it on certain days of the month? What about men then?

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Man bites dog

Much fun, all those who are still on facebook, pliss to go look.

From there I see this news item with a headline.

Movie Made By Chimpanzees To Air On The BBC (VIDEO)

"Wow!" I said to myself. I often talk to myself, I make very interesting conversation. Also, I'm probably the only one who likes the sound of my voice and can tolerate self for more than 10 minutes.

I digress, so where was I? Yes, I was looking at the headline and saying "Wow!" to myself. It could have been worse, I could have imitated an old Vivek Oberoi - drain cleaner err I meant Vanilla coke advert and said "Wakaoooooooo", I am digressing again.

"Wow!"(the same wow, now with 20% extra xylitol). "I did not know that they showed Salman Khan's movies on the BBC." Then it struck me. It boletho, not Salman Khan, he only goes after Black bucks and other dumb creature like that, which brings us back to Vivek Oberoi. Back to the point now. It struck me that the headline said movies BY chimps- so it might not be Sallu.

Then I got this sinking feeling (just like the captain of the Titanic did), they couldn't that would be inhuman. The BBC for all its faults, is not that sadistic and cruel...they couldn't be telecasting Ramu ki Aag now could they?

So I clicked on the link with great trepidation, only to find, much to my relief - It was not Ramu or Sallu, but our dear distant cousins who share a lot of things with us, including around 98% genetic matter (wow! they do? Should have let them go and write my genetics exams through undergrad- might have done better,because the papers were usually set by one of their biradari wonly).

This could be dangerous no- Chimpanzees live very exciting lives and they roam about with less clothes than Mallika Sherawt, Throw in an item number or two (not by Jane Goodall pliss) and they might give stiff competition to all of Imran Hashmi's films.
Lord knows, they can act better than he can. Soon we will see chimps taking over from the Hindi film industry and hiring Mahesh Bhatt to be their official spokesperson, for obvious reasons. He behaves exactly like a chimp during interviews, scratches here and there and becomes super aggressive suddenly basically like them only fighting for Alpha position.

Soon they may take over our airlines as well, and the airlines will be better managed, slowly this way they spread like some insidious disease and take over the world. You remember Charlton Heston in the Planet of the Apes- our collective batkus will be like that.

Well, by by ours, I mean actually yours, you see an Australopithecus- is halfway between humans and apes. so I'm covered any which way.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

For some strange reason, I've been in the grips of nostalgia for the last few days. Usually I welcome nostalgia...I am all for the "Un dinon mein..."type speeches. This time around it gives me something to think about. In a couple of months it will be 10 years since I wrote my ISC exams. This fact crept up behind me and hit me on the head with a lead pipe, while I was listening to 90s indipop songs on youtube. Heh!

Looking back I feel that those songs weren't that bad, some were quite good in fact. Is that just nostalgia talking or was it because of the subsequent hijacking of indipop by bad bhangra-pop, remix and most importantly titillating videos, that made you yearn for the "good old days". Let me clarify I am all for titillating videos. I used to watch them on mute, to avoid distractions. That method worked for me.

It is also winter. Winter always screws with my head. I always get nostalgic in winter. Of course America winters being much more severe than winters in the desh, the nostalgia is multiplied? Its all to do with hanging around indoors all day. It is not healthy to spend so much of one's time indoors...but when the temperature outside, in Fahrenheit looks like your Maths marks throughout 11th class - you will stay in believe me. When I said "your Maths marks", I meant of course, mine.

More on this later, I have a paper to finish writing, so I need to find another avenue of procrastination. I leave you with something to listen to.

Saturday, January 09, 2010

A few things.

WTF. My facebook page has been full of women posting the colours of the bras they are currently wearing. I mean come on! This is bloody unfair. When I asked "excuse pliss sweetie, what colour bra you are wearings?" all I got was one tight slap from girl and a lathi up my you know what from friendly neighborhood policewaala. So that resulted in me being black and blue. Now same "sweeties" are revealing the same bleddy information to all and sundry. Wot it is!!

While recovering from said beating in hospital a very kind young lady in next gurney informed me...well not me, she was telling someone over her posh new droid phone all this while I shamelessly eavesdropped. Apparently 'tis all "in aid of breast cancer" it seems.Before you ask me how publicizing the colour of one's bra is going to help fight breast cancer let me abuse you for being an ignoramus. Do you not know that publicizing one's bra colour will help by...err..err..umm. well. hang on. What is the blooming hurry men?

Anyhow. Changing the subject quickly. I feel women should go one step ahead. They should next post measurements also. Now that would be fun. Those that are economists can have fun calculating the "inflation" of those "figures".Fun with SPSS.

Seriously but, breast cancer is a serious issue. There are several websites that urge people, well mostly those of the female persuasion to carry out self exams such as this one

Well if you do not want to do a self exam, get on public transport in India, and several exams will be done for you free of cost, but results might not be reported in a satisfactory manner.

Men get breast cancer too apparently*, how do we support breast cancer- I meant spreading awareness about it not support it like, oh its an awesome thing everyone should get it at least once (I've had it 5 times myself) Do we go out to the victoria's secret shoroom and pick one up, wear it and then declare to the world on facebook? It will lead to a lot more entertainment.

Now we shall move on to another topic of importance. Testicular and prostate cancer.
Now I suggest that in support of these we should openly declare the colour of our underwear. For instance, tomorrow I will go to the gym wearing a jockstrap that used to be grey in colour, but is not due to various factors (which we shall not mention here,being too numerous and embarrassing to enumerate here)are now of an indeterminate colour that is neither dark nor light.
Comeon men it is time to rally around. It is possible to live without breasts, but think about living without your bollocks...Whassat? You aren't a villager? You don't drive bullocks? What do you drive then a Skoda - LAURA?
That is one interestingly named car, leads to many akward sitations

Memsahib to driver.

M: Driver, Laura nikalo.
Driver: Jo hukum memsahib.
Memsahib faints.

Now that you have recovered from the gut wrenching caused by the thought of living without cojones, let me remind you of it again. What would you do for recreation when watching Shakeela films eh? You will have to donate your porn collection. Your mums will wonder why your showers are so short all of a sudden.
On the other hand, there would be no wars, fights, rapes and such likes -But that is no fun.

So join me in this important cause. Please announce the colour of said piece of undergarment on facebook status, if you prefer going Au naturel, then please mention.

* For men, the lifetime risk of getting breast cancer is about 1/10th of 1% (1 in 1,000). (American Cancer Soc.)
Ok I know that is not a standard format for citation, but you aren't my advisor, so I don't really least I hope you aren't. If you are reading this Dr A, this is not me, it is someone else?
(That should keep the adviser confused for a while)