They found my rishtedaar in Ethiopia, its in the news and all. See here for the story

One of the 'benefits' of being retired is that you get to interact with that irritating section of society that goes about ruining your sleep. Precisely as you show your passport at the immigration desk to the land of Nod, they turn up and before you can say M.E.C.V. Raju's full name they deport you to the land of the living.Yes ladies and others, I mean door to door salesmen. Of late however, I have been taking my revenge. My favourite targets are those ill informed Aquaguard and R.O systems salesmen that waltz to my front gate and try to teach me Chemistry. Just like those professors in that gas chamb..err I meant the Chemistry department tried to do. I don't mean my profs ever waltzed...they might have done teen maar dance in their youth..but I digress. So these salesmen very persistantly try to teach me about e-boiling allegedly carried out by Ultra-violet rays. That woke me up, I spiritedly rose to the defense of these poor UV rays they maybe invovled in many dastardly acts, such as destroying the structure of DNA by forming Thymidine dimers, buit in this case they are totally innocent M'lord. They do not cause boiling, through internet or otherwise. (e-boiling? I've heard of being burnt in the dot com bust but this is too much.)....because...Your Hounour. They cannot. (excited murmurs in courtroom).Judge says Order order (one large royal stag on the rocks please). The salesman goes on to try and talk me out of boiling water.
S: Saar when boilings we are doings Yaxizen is going.
Me: What is going?
S: Yaxizen Yaxizen
(this guy must be related to that slaesman who darkened my door a year or so ago. I wrote a post about that chap as well)
Me: Oh Oxygen eh? So can you tell me how many ppm of oxygen would there be in a litre of water (not that I have any clue but then having been a teacher, I can fake it)
S: I don't know saar.
Me: Arey. So what if there is no oxygen in water?
S: saar health not good saar.
Me: Kindly explain to me in brief with the help of diagrams how one absorbs oxygen through the stomach.
Anyway, the long and the short of it being, I harassed the chap for about 15 minutes. I enjoyed it thoroughly..of course he didn't, but then who asked him to ring my bell in siesta time.

There are 10 kinds of people. Those who understand binary, and those who don't

Hilarious!

Orkut.

There I was randomly browsing profiles when i came across this one form a person who has listed under Passions "m lurning jazz now"

tsk tsk tsk...Where do I start.
Will someone please tell me how you can go and learn "jazz"
It reminds me of this sidey alleged music school that had an ad." Learn Guitar, Table, Violin and Jazz"
First it took me a minute to decipher "Table"..I was first under the impression that it was also an etiquette school that taught table manners on the side, then I thought that they were trying to give life to the old art form of playing a table.If you went to a college like the one I had the amazing experience of going to..they (fellow students) used all possible furniture as percussion instruments (as well as weapons when such a necessity arose) , these improvised percussion instruments were often used to render a lovely beat we call the teen mar. Please don't confuse it with Teen tal and ask me what "lay".I am after all a "lay" person. And no I am not talking about my sex life either.
Right teen mar..dont worry we were not abusing adolescents..no teens were being beaten up either. but I digress.
I finally figured out that the Table was a misprint..I ought to have read Tabla..
So now we move on to another interesting little item on the agenda. Jazz.
Pray tell how one goes about learning or teaching "jazz". I was very curious at the time. so I went to the address given, to see how he would teach me jazz.
I met the chap who called himself the "Master" (pronouced myaster) and promised to teach me "jazz" (pronounced Jyajj)...He looked like a darker,lighter(!!!) version of Bappi da...lighter as in weight,because because he did not have half as much jewellery (only 6 rings and 3 chains) . I felt happy. If not jyajj I will certainly learn abhout moojik.
This chap hadn't heard of Thelonious Monk.
When I asked him "so have you heard of Thelonius Monk?"..
He replied " Naya rum ka brand hai kya? Old Monk mafik?"
What about Miles Davis?
Merku miles nahin maaloom..lekin Piles ki takleef zaroor hai yarron..isliyeich main khadakke ich sikhatoon...tabla bhi khadakke ich sikhaatoon.
Charlie Parker?
Hau parking ku jyaga bahut hai.
Louis Armstrong
arey moojik bajare to finger aur arms bahut straang hote.

One 'arsehole' too many. Poor guy. RIP.

Stop the celebrations, I am not dead. I just took a vacation from taking a vacation. In the process, I missed out on making Vishesh Tippani (VT) on a number of intersting events such as Hair brained decision, and why cricket players shouldn't scratch their balls on a cricket field.(what about on a football field you ask? football fields are especially meant for giving "head' dunno about scratching and all).especially with 26 cameras beaming you doing so to millions of houses acroos the world (scratching balls, not giving head)would Mr Tendulkar please note)

Lesson learnt: Don't jump the gun....or the traffic signal.

I got no deeds to do
No promises to keep
I'm dappled and drowsy and ready to sleep
Let the morning time drop all its petals on me
Life I love you, all is groovy
     - Simon and Garfunkel.

How would Mika celebrate Rakhi?

Jab Johnny "Lever" ho sakta hai to "Pulley" Raja kaiku nahin?

Crib warning.

Two things.

Fistly, this John Wright business.It clearly shows, what kind of people run Indian cricket. I haven't read the book yet but from what has been reported in the media I don't think he is saying anything we didn't already know. The selction system is flawed. Of course it is, I don't think there is one Cricket columnist alive in in India who hasn't already said so. Now when this so called "firang" says the same thing, some of the very same selectors in a very grown up and mature manner ..call him names...big posh words like mercenary and what not just stopped short of calling him a pimp...wait..thats these guys(hey! I never said I was mature )...All they are doing is giving free publicity to this book. We do a lot of these things in our country, get excited without verifying the facts. Be it Satanic Verses or Vinci da code. This seems to be an inherent trait in us..this shoot first and don't bother about questions (more so with answers)

Secondly. This pesticide in the soft drinks. What people must realise is that Coke and Pepsi are not deliberately putting pesticide inside their product, there is no masked spy v/s spy type charachter chuckling to himself as he pours parathion into a vat of soft drinks. The pesticides come from the water. What we should get excited about is water quality, overspraying of pesticides, educating farmers...but nooooooooooooooo we won't do that, that is the responsible thing to do, we hardly ever do that. We shal just have rasta rokos and dharnas outside soft drink companies and shout slogans about globalisation, rope in the left, make lots of noise. no action...sigh.

Baigan ke baataan karre bolke nakko bolo katte.
Aaj kal sone ke baatan saste hote katte.

A: Its 2045 hrs and we can't get tickets for the night show of Superman Returns. What do we do?
B: Hmm..well I kno what, lets go and visit our beloved Manmohan ji. He is also a Superman, only instead of blue suit he wears blue pagdi. and besides its his time of the day?
C: Don't ask me I'm just an AC mechanic.
A: What do you mean his time of the day.
B:He is not a morning person
A: what?
B: Unne AM nahin Pm hain. See its 2045 hours boletho 8:45 PM its definitly not time to meet the AM.
A: Oooh yes. let us.meet the PM.
Kali Billi.: Kaun hain?
C: Main AC mechanic hoon.
A,B,C: Kya hum PM se mil sakte hain?
KB: Sure why not apply at gate 2, within striking range of the entire cabinet of the country.
K at gate 2: Who are you
ABC( in chorus): Crocodile Corcodile can we cross the golden river? err we mean bhaiyya bhiyya can we meet PM.
KB2: It depends. first get me a Shrubbery...err sorry wrong script..but yes are you winners of K serials Meet the PM contest?
ABC: No.
KB: Then so sorry.please leave.
ABC : retreat singing Koi humdum na raha/ Koi SAHARA na raha.

Bah! There are lies, damned lies and Statistics. You can say my mind has been Poissoned against Statistics.

"Hu" dunnit?

Welcome to the People's republic of Chi...err India. All we need now is a few tanks rolling around Charminar...

I laughed...and that is what is important. or Huh?(with blank expression on face)

me:What did the psycho do with all the men friday that he had killed.
X: What?
me: He made a factotum-pole and sold it as native american art.
X: huh?

Y: The orientation session has been cancelled for today
me: arerey there must have been an Occident.
Y: huh?

See in these amateure porn videos the girls are busy covering their privates...I mean comeooooonnnnnnn
isn't it more important to cover your FACE maybe if you are so worried... Isn't it unlikely that someone will come across a pic of your pussy and say " hey! thats so and so she lives on rd no 3 banjara hills. I'd know that cunt anywhere."

This past week has been a very trying time for me. Slurs have been cast upon my charachter.
I have been accused of
a) Speaking with an English accent (naat true wonly I am telling boletho...bleddy fellows)
b) horrors of horrors...being a Gentleman. With a capital G. (kaun nanga makeoda bola)
c)being a geek (this of course is fully true)
d) performing random acts of kindness..(arey I who will steal from a blind beggar)

My image has been damages irrepairably. I will either kill myself, or go to Rishikesh and become a sadhu...

On second thoughts, I shall just remain here and make your lives miserable.

I was rolling on the floor laughjing when I heard this .
Thanks to maddening for sending it to me.
I used to have an English prof who spoke like that...he knew as much about literature as i know about wedding rituals of the Sentinelese tribals. more on that later.

Why aren't half baked ideas rare?