Who put the bump...err "mass" in mass media.


So some reporter was asking a friend of mine

reporter(on telephone): String quartet aa? Means? One person will play or band will play?
friend: (bangs head on table)

After some time, said friend, reports above incident to Ole uncle Australopithecus.

Me: Hau. bolna tha. One chap'll come, quarter maarta. Phir sab ki baajata. Do you want front row seats to be closer to the action?

PS: I'm avoiding work and blogging from office. Just wanted to let everyone know.

B: So, what do you do exactly?
A: Basically I commute.
B: What?
A: You've heard of Computer Professionals? I am a Commuter Professional.

Seriously folks, I spent at least 5 hours a day commuting. So by the time I get home, I have no enthu to blog or do anything other than eat and sleep (I need plenty of that).Did I mention I officially spend only 6 and a half hours at work.

KCR wants our dearly beloved Azhar bhai jaan (not to be confused by Azarbaijan) to become Hyderabad's mayor
see this article.

I can just imagine it. Azhar mian addressing a press conference.
Reporter: Sir, what do you think about the cleanliness in the twin cities.
Azhar: mumblemumbletheboyssweptverywellinfactimteahingthemthesweepshotgivingthemextrapracticeeveryeveningmoremumbling.

I have been tagged dammit! I've been asked to follow these allegedly simple instructions.
Post 5 links to 5 of your previously written posts. The posts have to relate to the 5 key words given (family, friend, yourself, your love, anything you like). Tag 5 other friends to do this meme. Try to tag at least 2 new acquaintances (if not, your current blog buddies will do) so that you get to know them each a little bit better.

Family eh? : Not too many posts about them. But this should do.

Friend(s): This post is an extract from one of the funniest conversations I've had. Spent three hours rolling around laughing all over M.G Road and Ramgopalpet. Great times.

Myself: The rest of the blog is pretty much about me. Take your pick.

My love: This one is easy...read this . My lou.

Anything I like: Sure. How about this then?I though it was quite funny.

Now comes the tough part. Volunteering bakras to do this.How about these people.

Non-Sensei,who is currently in far away lands, and hence cannot beat me up.
Head-Start, in revenge for ignoring me on IM the other day :P
Ganty. This can be an excuse for him to update his blog.And to see what the hell he does with it.
BoredSub : Just lathat.
And anyone else who wants to do this tag.That is you, you and you there at the back.

...or in sports brodcasting,the way they are dumbing down the cricket commentary etc. it's ashes to asses.

Gand Jalna-- Asses to ashes?

Apologies. No post since the last year eh. I've been generally traveling , on work. That's fun. Work took me to Shimla. I was forced to travel for 72 hours and 2000 odd kilometers to attend a 10 hour conference. Where I slept for about 8 hours. So, more waste of taxpayers money, and this particular taxpayers time...but Shimla was nice. Unfortunately all the daru dukans were closed during my stay ,elections and all.

Through the trip I was assigned the task of babysitting two female colleagues. One aged 30 odd (a PhD in some life sciences thingumjig) and the other 25 (a statistician) both older than I am. This was an ordeal it had its moments of hilarity and insanity and sometimes both rolled into one.For example.

At India Gate:
Getting out from an Auto, we see it in the distance, as we approach it PhD gets jittery
Babysitter: Arey kya hua?
PhD: No no, we should not go so close.
B : Hain!! kaiku? After dragging me all the way.?
PhD: "I'm scared".
B : "What of?"
PhD: "Suppose we go by mistake to the other side?"
B: (mystified..What is wrong with the other side) ...but still says. "Chalo chalo kuch nahin hota.! Main hoon naa."

All approach closer.

Phd: "Arey! Where are the Pakistanis?"
B: (forgive me I was a little slow so I was still mystified) "Pakistanis....In Pakistan where else..in places like Rawalpindi and Lahore."
Stats: "Lahore is in Pakistan aa?"
B: Splutter choke.
( Aah! but wait just a moment..)
Phd: "Where are the Pakistanis here?"
(Then it dawned on me...she thought it was Wagah!!!)
B: (Don't know if I should be laughing or crying)..with ill disguised tremors in my voice I ask. "Did you think that there was a border with Pakistan here?"
PhD: "Of course there is. Didn't you know?" ###
B: My mistake..Then I guess that building over there is where Gen. Musharraf stays.All the time i thought it was Pratibha ji (a.k.a the ghost whisperer), and it was the Pakistani army whose might is on display down that road every 26th of Jan....Pointing to some poor Gurkha rifles jawans who were hanging out there ".Look our Chinese brothers have also come to pay us a visit."



### The story is true upto this point. The last few lines was what was going through my mind at that point of time.

On same trip , I was harassed by colleague (aged around 30) who wanted to join the army, I told him realization struck too late. He then proceeded to bombard me with questions ,which I attempted to answer to the best of my knowledge. It was like explaining things to a block of set cement.After half an hour he asks me "so Subedar Major is senior to Major aa?"...At least the block of cement doesn't have stupid questions like this. So this is when I decided to have some fun. When the next question arrived I decided to amuse myself. No point explaining things to this idiot bolke.

Idiot: So Major will go in field aa?
Aus : Well. If there are no bathrooms around then he will.
Bouncer for idiot. Next delivery.
Idiot : Will General go in field?
Aus : Chi no! What will the troops say.
Idiot : (Now confused and exasperated.) Who will go in field then!!!
Aus : Field Marshall will go in the field man

Suddenly visions of old Sam Bahadur running with lota in hand through fields came to mind..almost fell out of the jeep laughing.

I not dead yet.

I have just got back from a whirlwind tour of various tribal villages over 2 districts in AP...No no I haven't joined the Maoists...yet. Doing some survey and all..Oh did I forget to mention..I am gainfully employed once again alas. but then they pay me to loaf and this time they gave me vehicle with "Govt vehicle" sticker on it....so we saved money in all the toll booths, as well as avoided stupid questions from small time officials like "You are Gormint?". No I am Australopithecus.

I am ill. This is what happens when you drink water in some vague tanda. This is how it happened. Here was man telling me how horrid the water was in his village. Then serves me one huge lota of same saline, polluted water with some fluoride thrown in for free. One couldn't refuse...also one was dying of thirst. So as I drank I said to myself. Here is your first sick leave coming.Sure enough....

Then there is another observation. While I was loafing one night in Khammam looking for a medical store..Well they seem to flourish there, so I picked the least sidey looking one and went. Interestingly unlike the city where they stock within easy reach the high selling items like Halls and what not. Here they had condoms , Ozomen capsules ( that is Sildenafil Citrate) and the I-pill. I had to wait in line to buy a strip of digene, behind three people who were all buying condoms. When I reported same to a friend he exploded.".Bloody bastards are getting laid in fucking Khammam, and here in a city of 30 odd lakh women I have to rely on the 'old faithful'"
Thats the problem maybe..they are 30 "odd" lakh women.

Ugh.I think I shall go throw up.
Stomach upset: the ends suffer because of the mean

Aisee Vani Boliye, Mun Ka Aapa Khoye
Apna Tan Sheetal Kare, Auran Ko Sukh Hoye
(original)

Aisee Vani boliye, Jo sabse jhagda hoye.
par aise kisi se na boliye, jo aapse tagda hoye.
(heard on TV)

When I was young(er?) I happened to watch this movie, I then decided to name any car I drove Rampyari. Unless of course it was a Volkswagen Beetle. Then I'd call it Herbie.

That was in response to question raised by certain readers reg. a previous post. Now I thought why not list out more stuff I'd like to name.

If I'm rich enough to own a private plane and have a personal pilot...I'd call him Biggles..even if his real name happens to be Ramanathan or Akbar bin Taber or whatever.

I've said this before.
If I ever start a strip club I'd call it "Thong and dance"

If I ran a whore house I'd name it thus " LEGS" and have a sign like this:

LEGS

Now open for Business

Condom Song - Telugu

This is a sort of Public Service announcement about condoms, came to me through Non-Sensei. Its hilarious.

Father watches film promos.


Baap(a.k.a Poojya Pitaji): Savariya! What kind of name is that? I'm sure it won't do well at centres where Tamilian population is high. Savariya? No I'd rather stay alive!!.

Genetics. That is all I can say.

On another note. Laga Chunari mein daag. To kaiku rore..Surf Excel hain na!
What are they trying to sell? Soap or a film?

Two simultaneous conversations :

Aus: Arey today I was out getting car fixed. Rats ate off wires
PP: WHAT!!! Why aren't you feeding them?
Aus: Arey! What will I eat then?
PP : Wires! Be kind to animals ji.
Aus: Ok, I will now send Andy Symonds a banana.



Bored Sub: But we're all monkeys anyway.
Aus: So is Andrew Symonds...who shouldn't feel too bad...last time the crowd booed tendulkar..so he is in August company...or October in this case.

If we made a television serial about a demented chap who thinks he is a south african clergyman, can we call it Tutu main main?

So sibling pings me and says. "Go look at the Nobel prize website ". So I did. What do I see under Nobel prize for Peace: The name Al Gore. Formerly Al Gore was the world's biggest loser..(no no he didn't go on that T.V show. If anything he probably went on a T.V show with opposite ideology). Why was he the worlds biggest loser you ask? Well imagine this, you get the most number of votes in the election, but you still don't become the President...what does one say?

What did he do to deserve this honour you ask(err the Nobel not the biggest loser kaun competition)? Well according to the website he made "efforts to build up and disseminate greater knowledge about man-made climate change, and to lay the foundations for the measures that are needed to counteract such change"

Alright. fair enough, climate change is an important issue, very close to my heart and all that...But Al Gore!! This is ridiculous. If Al Gore can get a Nobel, why not you or me? eh?
Check your mailboxes, maybe they've sent us all one each(except to Osama.That Nobel is addressed c/o Gen Musharraff). But when Osama gets one...no one will clap, because of the Tali ban.

Yeh Nobel prize nahin No bell prize hai , boletho Ghanta bhi nahin hai prize.

This Mathew Hayden, is the Prem Chopra of the cricket world. He rapes bowling attacks left right and centre. One can imagine a conversation between MH , R.P and Zak.

R.P &Zak: Bhagwan ke liye hume chod do.
MH : (rubbing hands in glee) Hehe! Bhagwan ke liye chod doon to mera kya hoga.heheheh

What have I been up to you ask? You didn't? I'll tell you anyway!

Friday: Jean-Luc Godard, Salvador Dali, Old Monk, vague discussions ranging from space-time to B Grade movies of the 90's among other things that lasted till 4 AM.

Saturday: Sleep Sleep and more sleep.... and reread some Biggles.

Sunday : Went all the way to Charminar. Pista house Haleem. Tried "veg" haleem, it seems like a glorified cross between upma and pongal...of course floating in ghee. The "normal" Haleem was as good as ever. Then there was some Paya at Shadaab, followed by mutton sheekh kababs. This caused vegetarian friend to remark "Bas kar saale log, nahin to kal subah good morning ke badle mein baaa baaa nikalinga". In retaliation we finished off his paneer tikka as well. This was topped off with "Mashoor" ice cream at Mozam Jahi market.

Monday: Woke up and tried to say good morning...It came out as normal....no baa baa. If it had, one could ahve written a song about it called Baa baa love, and dedicated to the Kiwis. Considered toss up between going birding and going to the derby on Tuesday. I've always found it funny that they insist on holding a race on the 2nd of October.

Tuesday : Happy the budday to Gandhi thatha. Birding cum picnic happened. Sat on the bank of a lake watching Terns, Ibis and various larks, while hogging sandwiches. Made the usual jokes about "doing it for a lark" and "aapka lark lark shukar hai"
Full mazza. Went home and read more Biggles.

So that was my weekend. No jokes here...go away.

Surely you're choking Mr Smith.

Rituparno Ghosh is making a new film about the South African cricket team....he is calling it Choker Bali. It is about a cricket match in Indonesia

That is Rampyari. She turned 5 this month! Aah the good times we've had..








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