As I was getting my daily fix, of the internet. I came across this strange headline.
"Indian Athlete Fails Sex Test"

I ahd a huge rush of thoughts including
'Whoa! is sex a competetive event now?'
"How dumb does one have to be to fail a sex test"
"We have a population of over a billion, surely some of us must know SOMETHING about sex, Why doesn't the IOA send them"
"Ok, if (s)he is a guy running with a bunch of girls, (s)he still only won a silver medal. What does that speak about the state of Indian sports, even the guys get beaten by a bunch of girls"

Maybe (s)he came second because she wasn't too good at Hindi, see (s)he must have heard on the phone while trying to phone home (much like ET) "Aap Quatar main hain krupya pratiksha keejiye" ....need I say more. Struggling with Wait problems.

there was a little voice that said, "stop making fun of her/him unless you want Bobby Darling and Sylvie to do morcha in front of your house."
Let me then make fun of someone else.
The best reaction to all of this came not from the T.N Govt. (who have announced a gift of 15 lakhs to her,)
but from some highly intellignet chap who on yahoo answers asked
"Indian runner Santhi Soundarajan has failed a gender test. Could this be a cause of global warming?"

Poor old global warming, gets blamed for everything. Now whats next? Maybe thats why the cricket team lost the ODI series to South Africa, Global Warming.

Why didn't you submit your assigment? global warming

Why are you staring at that woman. Global warming...yeah she's so hot she must be increasing the temperature at least by a couple of degrees.
So the next time your girlfriend(s) catch(es) you staring at some hot chick, you know what to say. It won't work, but still...

So Anton Balasingham is dead. He was the 'mane' spokesperson for the LTTE

How to lose friends and influence people in a bad way. By Bail Carnage.

I am going to write a book about the above, Why you ask? Well gentle reader its for the same reason the male member of the cannine species licks its own organs of reproduction. Because it can. No, I dont mean I can lick a dog's bollocks, nor do I ever want to. Get your mind out of the gutters for once and listen (err read). I have had vast experience of the events described in the heading. Some of them are given here for your reading err pleasure

Friend: You know Aus. When I first met you I thought you were nasty and superficial.
Me: Well, When I first met you I thought you had nice tits.
SLAP.
Me: What? You mean you don't? It was all a show?
SLAP
Me: If it helps, I still think you do.
SLAP SLAP SLAP
Me: You are wrong you know, I am nasty deep down also. Nothing superficial about my nastiness.

At a pub
Person: Excuse me, (pointing to my cigarette) would you mind putting it out.
Me : Oh sure.
Person: Hey! That was my glass you threw your sutta in.
Me: Well you did want it out.


Friend: How do I look
Me: Dude! Who picked your clothes? Imaam sahab from Sholay?
Friend: Bastard, My dad did re.
Me: I didn't know Stevie wonder was your dad.

CLEAR!! Wzzzzzzzztttttt.
That is what is needed to get this blog back to life.A defibrillator.
Before this blog becomes a Palentologist's wet dream I had better do somehting to bring it back to life.

So yes MPs and Greg Chappell. M.P.s who can neither govern efficiently, nor tell a cricket bat from the reproductive organs of a Komodo Dragon, have now become cricket experts.
Dip in performance? I don't think so. When compared to the Ganguly-Wright combination, I would believe that overall performance is about the same. I'm too lazy to actually go look this up, so some of the enthu pakodas among the readers (all 3 of you, i.e 3 readers not 3 enthu pakodas) go do the needful.

Here is a question.
If you were smuggling condoms into Somalia. Would you be running a protection racket?

So, I saw this shop selling a very interestingly named brand of ice cream. It was called Scallops ice cream. Is it just me or is there something fishy about that.

How do you know if your country has a great judicial system?

When after 59 years of independence, the Chief Justice of the country says " I have asked judges to go by evidence before them"
I can hear what sounds like claps (or slaps) no no its not people fighting against dengue and chikun gunya. Its the sound of various judges slapping their heads and going "Evidence! damn! I knew i forgot something"

How did they dole out justice before this revolutionary new concept of 'evidence' came up? Play fastest finger first? Molesters have unfair advantage in fastest fingerer first, they are there 'cause of their fingering abilities wonly.
Was it like "pick a card, any card...your card is 9 of spades? Thats 9 years hard labour (get it..spades)
Maybe even Tambola. The chap who gets a 'full house' goes to the 'big house'

Why reveal this to them now? Why spoil the surprise at this juncture? Who wil buy the law books to find out who went to jail . Whodunnits are not important, never mind who dunnit, Whocopstheblames are now in vogue.
Speaking of Cops and Blame and all that...(plays Delhi Police theme song)...See I watched CSI and all the various spin off serials, so it is just a tad dissapointing when I come to hear that apne wonderful crime scene specialists, destroyed evidence by attempting to preserve DNA sample in the wrong medium, not english or telugu but formalin. Apparently formalin does to DNA what Australia does to India on the cricket field.



Samples generally considered unsuitable for testing with current techniques include embalmed bodies (with the possible exception of bone or plucked hairs), pathology or fetal tissue samples that have been immersed in formaldehyde or formalin for more than a few hours (with the notable exception of pathology paraffin blocks and slides ), and urine stains. Other samples such as feces, fecal stains, and vomit can potentially be tested, but are not routinely accepted by most laboratories for testing. Source

Ay dharti ke chaand sitaron.
Ay dharti ke chaand sitaron
Makeodon, patharaan nakko maaro.
- Anon.

Sorry for the prolonged absence. Wait a moment who am I talking to, even I no longer read this little cloud of dust in cyberspace. I had better watch out, I hear the great celestial vaccum cleaner is on the prowl. He sucks big time.
There is so much dust on this blog that a neem tree has taken root, maybe I could wait a while, let this sapling grow into a tree and give this blog an 'ethnic' feel, call it The Neem tree, and sell exhorbitantly prices 'ethnic' and 'fusion' wear.

You are not my type.

I ahve recieved numerus komplnts abotu ym ytping kills. Hwats rong eith it I say?

I have been trained in the Drunken Monkey style of typing from Shaolin Typing School, or more appropriately Shaolin tai-ping school.

Two reasons why I like birding.






Amazing Boobies.














And Great tits

Nostalgia.

Check this out

They found my rishtedaar in Ethiopia, its in the news and all. See here for the story

One of the 'benefits' of being retired is that you get to interact with that irritating section of society that goes about ruining your sleep. Precisely as you show your passport at the immigration desk to the land of Nod, they turn up and before you can say M.E.C.V. Raju's full name they deport you to the land of the living.Yes ladies and others, I mean door to door salesmen. Of late however, I have been taking my revenge. My favourite targets are those ill informed Aquaguard and R.O systems salesmen that waltz to my front gate and try to teach me Chemistry. Just like those professors in that gas chamb..err I meant the Chemistry department tried to do. I don't mean my profs ever waltzed...they might have done teen maar dance in their youth..but I digress. So these salesmen very persistantly try to teach me about e-boiling allegedly carried out by Ultra-violet rays. That woke me up, I spiritedly rose to the defense of these poor UV rays they maybe invovled in many dastardly acts, such as destroying the structure of DNA by forming Thymidine dimers, buit in this case they are totally innocent M'lord. They do not cause boiling, through internet or otherwise. (e-boiling? I've heard of being burnt in the dot com bust but this is too much.)....because...Your Hounour. They cannot. (excited murmurs in courtroom).Judge says Order order (one large royal stag on the rocks please). The salesman goes on to try and talk me out of boiling water.
S: Saar when boilings we are doings Yaxizen is going.
Me: What is going?
S: Yaxizen Yaxizen
(this guy must be related to that slaesman who darkened my door a year or so ago. I wrote a post about that chap as well)
Me: Oh Oxygen eh? So can you tell me how many ppm of oxygen would there be in a litre of water (not that I have any clue but then having been a teacher, I can fake it)
S: I don't know saar.
Me: Arey. So what if there is no oxygen in water?
S: saar health not good saar.
Me: Kindly explain to me in brief with the help of diagrams how one absorbs oxygen through the stomach.
Anyway, the long and the short of it being, I harassed the chap for about 15 minutes. I enjoyed it thoroughly..of course he didn't, but then who asked him to ring my bell in siesta time.

There are 10 kinds of people. Those who understand binary, and those who don't

Hilarious!

Orkut.

There I was randomly browsing profiles when i came across this one form a person who has listed under Passions "m lurning jazz now"

tsk tsk tsk...Where do I start.
Will someone please tell me how you can go and learn "jazz"
It reminds me of this sidey alleged music school that had an ad." Learn Guitar, Table, Violin and Jazz"
First it took me a minute to decipher "Table"..I was first under the impression that it was also an etiquette school that taught table manners on the side, then I thought that they were trying to give life to the old art form of playing a table.If you went to a college like the one I had the amazing experience of going to..they (fellow students) used all possible furniture as percussion instruments (as well as weapons when such a necessity arose) , these improvised percussion instruments were often used to render a lovely beat we call the teen mar. Please don't confuse it with Teen tal and ask me what "lay".I am after all a "lay" person. And no I am not talking about my sex life either.
Right teen mar..dont worry we were not abusing adolescents..no teens were being beaten up either. but I digress.
I finally figured out that the Table was a misprint..I ought to have read Tabla..
So now we move on to another interesting little item on the agenda. Jazz.
Pray tell how one goes about learning or teaching "jazz". I was very curious at the time. so I went to the address given, to see how he would teach me jazz.
I met the chap who called himself the "Master" (pronouced myaster) and promised to teach me "jazz" (pronounced Jyajj)...He looked like a darker,lighter(!!!) version of Bappi da...lighter as in weight,because because he did not have half as much jewellery (only 6 rings and 3 chains) . I felt happy. If not jyajj I will certainly learn abhout moojik.
This chap hadn't heard of Thelonious Monk.
When I asked him "so have you heard of Thelonius Monk?"..
He replied " Naya rum ka brand hai kya? Old Monk mafik?"
What about Miles Davis?
Merku miles nahin maaloom..lekin Piles ki takleef zaroor hai yarron..isliyeich main khadakke ich sikhatoon...tabla bhi khadakke ich sikhaatoon.
Charlie Parker?
Hau parking ku jyaga bahut hai.
Louis Armstrong
arey moojik bajare to finger aur arms bahut straang hote.

One 'arsehole' too many. Poor guy. RIP.

Stop the celebrations, I am not dead. I just took a vacation from taking a vacation. In the process, I missed out on making Vishesh Tippani (VT) on a number of intersting events such as Hair brained decision, and why cricket players shouldn't scratch their balls on a cricket field.(what about on a football field you ask? football fields are especially meant for giving "head' dunno about scratching and all).especially with 26 cameras beaming you doing so to millions of houses acroos the world (scratching balls, not giving head)would Mr Tendulkar please note)

Lesson learnt: Don't jump the gun....or the traffic signal.

I got no deeds to do
No promises to keep
I'm dappled and drowsy and ready to sleep
Let the morning time drop all its petals on me
Life I love you, all is groovy
     - Simon and Garfunkel.

How would Mika celebrate Rakhi?

Jab Johnny "Lever" ho sakta hai to "Pulley" Raja kaiku nahin?

Crib warning.

Two things.

Fistly, this John Wright business.It clearly shows, what kind of people run Indian cricket. I haven't read the book yet but from what has been reported in the media I don't think he is saying anything we didn't already know. The selction system is flawed. Of course it is, I don't think there is one Cricket columnist alive in in India who hasn't already said so. Now when this so called "firang" says the same thing, some of the very same selectors in a very grown up and mature manner ..call him names...big posh words like mercenary and what not just stopped short of calling him a pimp...wait..thats these guys(hey! I never said I was mature )...All they are doing is giving free publicity to this book. We do a lot of these things in our country, get excited without verifying the facts. Be it Satanic Verses or Vinci da code. This seems to be an inherent trait in us..this shoot first and don't bother about questions (more so with answers)

Secondly. This pesticide in the soft drinks. What people must realise is that Coke and Pepsi are not deliberately putting pesticide inside their product, there is no masked spy v/s spy type charachter chuckling to himself as he pours parathion into a vat of soft drinks. The pesticides come from the water. What we should get excited about is water quality, overspraying of pesticides, educating farmers...but nooooooooooooooo we won't do that, that is the responsible thing to do, we hardly ever do that. We shal just have rasta rokos and dharnas outside soft drink companies and shout slogans about globalisation, rope in the left, make lots of noise. no action...sigh.

Baigan ke baataan karre bolke nakko bolo katte.
Aaj kal sone ke baatan saste hote katte.

A: Its 2045 hrs and we can't get tickets for the night show of Superman Returns. What do we do?
B: Hmm..well I kno what, lets go and visit our beloved Manmohan ji. He is also a Superman, only instead of blue suit he wears blue pagdi. and besides its his time of the day?
C: Don't ask me I'm just an AC mechanic.
A: What do you mean his time of the day.
B:He is not a morning person
A: what?
B: Unne AM nahin Pm hain. See its 2045 hours boletho 8:45 PM its definitly not time to meet the AM.
A: Oooh yes. let us.meet the PM.
Kali Billi.: Kaun hain?
C: Main AC mechanic hoon.
A,B,C: Kya hum PM se mil sakte hain?
KB: Sure why not apply at gate 2, within striking range of the entire cabinet of the country.
K at gate 2: Who are you
ABC( in chorus): Crocodile Corcodile can we cross the golden river? err we mean bhaiyya bhiyya can we meet PM.
KB2: It depends. first get me a Shrubbery...err sorry wrong script..but yes are you winners of K serials Meet the PM contest?
ABC: No.
KB: Then so sorry.please leave.
ABC : retreat singing Koi humdum na raha/ Koi SAHARA na raha.

Bah! There are lies, damned lies and Statistics. You can say my mind has been Poissoned against Statistics.

"Hu" dunnit?

Welcome to the People's republic of Chi...err India. All we need now is a few tanks rolling around Charminar...

I laughed...and that is what is important. or Huh?(with blank expression on face)

me:What did the psycho do with all the men friday that he had killed.
X: What?
me: He made a factotum-pole and sold it as native american art.
X: huh?

Y: The orientation session has been cancelled for today
me: arerey there must have been an Occident.
Y: huh?

See in these amateure porn videos the girls are busy covering their privates...I mean comeooooonnnnnnn
isn't it more important to cover your FACE maybe if you are so worried... Isn't it unlikely that someone will come across a pic of your pussy and say " hey! thats so and so she lives on rd no 3 banjara hills. I'd know that cunt anywhere."

This past week has been a very trying time for me. Slurs have been cast upon my charachter.
I have been accused of
a) Speaking with an English accent (naat true wonly I am telling boletho...bleddy fellows)
b) horrors of horrors...being a Gentleman. With a capital G. (kaun nanga makeoda bola)
c)being a geek (this of course is fully true)
d) performing random acts of kindness..(arey I who will steal from a blind beggar)

My image has been damages irrepairably. I will either kill myself, or go to Rishikesh and become a sadhu...

On second thoughts, I shall just remain here and make your lives miserable.

I was rolling on the floor laughjing when I heard this .
Thanks to maddening for sending it to me.
I used to have an English prof who spoke like that...he knew as much about literature as i know about wedding rituals of the Sentinelese tribals. more on that later.

Why aren't half baked ideas rare?

After hectic day yesterday , of enjoying myself, I slept for 12 hours. The longest I've ever slept in recent history.
When I woke up I was totally disoriented. I groggily looked at the paper there i saw Baba(and you though Himesh Reshammiya was a talentless idiot?) Sehgal's ugly mug staring back at me! I dropped the paper like a hot potato (take one out of the oven with your bare hands then you will know). I then went and switched on the TV. What do I see? Well it is the grinning face of Cheema Okerie (remember him India's best and Nigeria's worst?). You can well imagine the effects of such unfortunate event on a person who has just woken up. I hurriedly (for a man in my condition) checked the papers to see which year it was...I desperatly hoped that I hadn't done a reverse Rip Van Winkle.....or an Elkniw Nav Pir. (no not some holy man)..The date on the newspaper informed that I hadn't slipped back into time (or IMS). What was scary was..how are all these chaps crawling out of the woodwork suddenly...Would this inspire Kishen Kumar to make a comeback? Will Baba Sehgal and "Stylebhai" start raping our happiness again...err i meant Rapping....Will Piyush Soni jump out of the nearest doorway and sing the lovely and soulful Chokra..Will channel V release yet another "ultimate dance collection"? For more information...stay tuned......to the 12431232322332 news channels....and kabhi fursat mile to yahn bhi aana.

PS: the sibling informs me Beckham scored a goal....we have gone back into the past!!!

Will this Czech bounce?

Old one remixed.

Mard ko dard nahin hota bolke Amit mian bole katte
Chilkan bola.Pairaan ke beech mein marnaa jisko dard hota une ich mard hota.

Went to see this play today "Reading between the lines" starring and directed by Suhasini Maniratnam.
Quite amazing. Of course the free booze on offer might be clouding my judgement, after all one is not the best critic after consuming copious amounts of scotch that too...(insert typical voice over voice here) bilkul muft muft muft...Comments after such consumtions are limited to eloquent utterances such as..."Beeeeeenhchod" ,"Nange Makelaude " or even this at an alleged rock show "who the fuck said play Ricky Martin I will fuck his entire family on the stage while the band is playing"

The French football team has a midfielder called Claude Makelele...do I even need to say it?


Edit on 15 June : What if Rosemary married our friend?

Crouching Australo Hidden Dragon (or) Saara shahar mujhe loin ke naam se jaanta hai. ell eye o enn.

A few days ago I was in Chittoor dist. helping a field biologist friend out in his project, which involved the study of crows and their nests. We travelled from village to village in search of crow's nests and found half the village following us. We set up a ladder and climb to have a closer look at crows nest (nothing to do with a very Jolly Mr Roger) when suddenly someone recollected a news item they read in the morning "Bird egg collector falls to death while collecting eggs"
Highly motivational and encouraging I must say.

After a hard afternoon of carrying ladders and climbing them, we took a well-deserved break. I was leaning against a tree and thinking about such burning issues such as what would be on offer for dinner and where could I get a nice whiskey-soda at that very moment, when suddenly I felt the same sensation I had read about in many sidey books "a stirring in my loins"...(yes when we were kids there was no desibaba so we read printed trash instead of reading trash online)..This 'stirring' surprised me as I know it was not something physiological..There were no women, neither the gaon ki gori nor the adivasi kanya types. When I made the supreme effort of tilting my neck downwards so that I could investigate what was going on in the highly sensitive regions of the anatomy, to my surprise, I found Godzilla happily treating my crotch as a summer resort. On closer inspection it proved to be a Bark Gecko. I have heard of escaping to the mountains to beat the heat (I just thought of something nasty and rhyming here), but this is too much...I reacted as any normal (haha) sane (hahaha) human being who finds a reptile cavorting on his mojo (albeit fully clothed) would react.

Stress












Stress Relief

Accidental Rebel.

Baba Australopithecus' guide Part 2
Subject: How to rebel without trying.

I really mean it...don't try.

So I have become the only member of my family who hasn't gained admission into an IIT.

for more example of how to rebel without trying stay tuned to this channel

Dork!

A whale's penis is called a dork.
Boy! some sad sex life they must have.

Who was the greatest dork of all time? (and no I don't mean he was a dick)
Maxim Dorky?

Were Simon and Garfunkel into kinky stuff?
Didn't they sing a song that started with Hello Dorkness my old friend?

Lot of clubs have a Valentine's day Dance...could you call it a Love Day ka ball?

'Dick'tionary

dismember: What Lorena did to John Wayne Bobbit.

remember: What the plastic surgeons did to Mr Bobbit after the unfortunate incident invovling cutlery.

Ram Mandir banana Ram mandir banana pukarein to Howle mian gussa hue katte.
Ram mandir nakko Kaam mandir banana katte.

How Awful Mehta got Kicked, got Riled and got aWife.

See this wonderful poem I wrote. About the cow.

The Cow

The cow is of the bovine ilk;
One end is moo, the other, milk.

What? You mean Ogden Nash already wrote this poem years ago? I guess i must have just "internalised" it. I had better ring Bappi da up and ask him for advice.

Barenaked Laudes.


So! Sudden road trip on Monday. We were supposed to go to Nagarjuna Sagar but due to our friendly neighbourhood Naxalites involving themselves in such wonderful 'party' games such as kidnap the tourists (a.k.a kidnap-kidnap), we had to make sudden adjustments. So we were on our way to Medak church when suddenly we saw a signboard announcing a certain fort. Inspired by the Alto ad, (and not the Sopranos) we shouted lets go, and we went. The fort encloses a temple and a few havelis. The havelis had amazing carvings on all of them. Due to zabardast PR exercise by one of the party members we got the caretaker to let us in. When asked about the graffiti on the walls the caretaker responded with "Nange Makeode kare so kaamaan hai wo". We spent the rest of the afternoon laughing over images that flashed into our heads at that instant. Nange makeode loosely translated is naked mother's dicks. Suddenly our minds were filled with images of otherwise rexine pant, net baniyan clad Mallepalli Karim, and Gunfoundry Seenu types running around buck naked in an ancient haveli carrying sharp implement, to carve stuff into walls. Now the phrase has become an integral part of my vocabulary. Eg. "Kaun nanga makeoda bolra main immature hoon?

Dr Snakelove: Or how I learned to stop worrying and love the Paamb.


I live in the outskirts of town, beyond a little village where they still grow paddy and toddy trappers are hard at work every morning not 100 yards away from home. Now! In such bucolic surrounding you would expect the odd representative wildlife to make an appearance every now and again. Oh yes sir they do and more than aaaltu faaltu guest appearance, they apppear in starring roles. Our non-legged friends have been overly active this year. This real life event which I am going to describe right now is a shining example of how excercise will get you killed. So this evening I set out for my irregular evening stroll. One can hardly go out for a morning stroll in the evening. The gentle reader will note that I said stroll, and not run, jog, power walk or even just plain walk. Righto! so i was setting off on my stoll and after about an hour and a half or so loafing in the fields doing more birding than walking, I decided to check out the new park they have built in the colony. Right. So there I was on the cement path, when I came to rest near a peice of rope. But wait. Suddenly the peice of rope moved. It didn't take a Phd in Quantum Electrodynamics to figure out that something was not quite right in the state of Denmark. So I put two and two together and got a headache due to shortcircuit in my single neuron, so I decided to take a closer look. While doing so I realised a few things.
1) The rope was in fact a real live snake.
2) The snake bore an uncanny resemblence to the species that goes by the name of Common Krait. This Krait also has a label saying Handle with care and no it doesn't contain a flat screen TV inside.
3) That damned snake was an inch from my foot.
Cowardice being the better part of valour and having an overpowering urgue (for some silly reason) to remain in possession of this current mortal coil. I hoofed it. Fast.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

In Hyderabad, let Baigans be Baigans.

The choices you make right now could be the difference between going to Penn State and the State Pen.

Some 500 years ago therre lived a great and wise holy man.It is recorded that he used to run his soothsaying like a business, engaging secretaries and assistants.Now the possibile locations of this office are being examined.There are a lot of theories on this among archeologists. a lot of bickering also as to the whereabouts.leading to nasty scenes in the A.S.I Office.Sigh! All we need is one more Office of Prophet scandal.

Bloody Fokker!

Baigan bhi nahin Part 1

Light leo light leo bolke logaan Pukaarrein katte.
bulbaan ich nahin hain boletho Light kahan se lena katte?

Did the Tin Woodman Rust in Pieces?

Speaking of the Tin Woodman.
How did he keep his tool from rusting?
He kept dipping it in Olive Oyl.

hmm..my blog seems to be misbehaving severely

subwoofer = underdog?

Inspired

Bahut ghode mere dil ke upar se daude.
Bahut ghode mere dil ke upar se daude
Phir tu kaun hai be makelaude?

A: I told him he was average
B: Mean bugger.
A: exactly.

Would you call a marriage counseller Sensei?
'Cause he trains you in Marital Arts... I can hear someone mutter that its not too different from martial,but he is quickly silenced by a well aimed whack from his bitter..err better half.

Would you call a Gunner an "Arty type" ?

Cheney's got a gun.....latest song by Aerosmith.

Maybe we should get him to help with the chicken cullings.

Why would parents name thier kid "Randy"? When I first heard this name (on Tim Allen's Home Improvement where one of the cahrachters has the misfortune of being) I laughed for half an hour and it was not because of Allen's comedy.
Some useless trivia.Allen is actually Tim's middle name.His real surname happens to be Dick.I can imagine why he doesn't go around tom-toming it (or tim-tim ing it)
So if he weren't named Tim, but Randy...his classmates would've had an entertaining time.I am sure they must have had an entertaining time as it was.
Bachchas can be so cruel,Whoever said that "Bachche, man ke sachche" or childeren are innocnet etcetc..obviously never went to any of the schools that I attended (note: I said attended, and not studied in)
Back to being randy..err talking about the name"Randy"
How would he go and introduce himself?
Randy: "Hello! I am Randy"
M(r/s)X: Not just now, I have a headache.

Or if he were on a blind date?
date(spotting cahp with red rose or some such preararanged signal):"Hello! are you Randy?"
man with sign: "Yes, I am, but my name is Jim"

Outsourced!
Blaming a mailing-list vendor for providing bad information, JPMorgan Chase apologizes for sending a form letter about its credit card services to an Arab American man in California addressed to "Palestinian Bomber."

Calling this Press Conference to order.
(reads out prepared statement)
Someone described me as being drunk half the time.This is totally untrue.Let me correct this impression.I am not drunk half the time, merely half drunk all the time.That is all I have to say at this juncture,no further comments.

Convocation: If I did confidence tricks for a living.

Convocation: Chakki peesing? .

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams that stuff is made of.

Opportunity

When Mrs Gorm (Aunt Eloise)
Was stung to death by savage bees,
Her husband (Prebendary Gorm)
Put on his viel, and took the swarm.
He's publishing a book, next May,
On 'How to Make Bee-keeping Pay.'
---Harry Graham

Rock Bottom = Hard Ass ?

The Bird Flew?

It could solve a problem puzzling makind for ages..namely Which came first the chicken or the egg.you know...na rahega baans type.

Bird Flu hits India...This is your opportunity to hog(let's not start on japanese encephalitis) chicken biryani at rock bottom prices.

"I have heard about bird flu on TV but I am not bothered. I want to enjoy the low prices," said Nanku Ram, a labourer holding a huge bird.

This also gives us mauka to make sidey jokes

Q.Why did the chicken walk across the road?
A. 'Cause if it flew , then everybody would shout "look the bird flew" and then full culling would happen.


:What a way to go
*What did he die of?
:Bird Flu
*Of course the bird flew.what did u think it was an ostrich?


check this out.

http://media.skoopy.com/misc/bird_flu/

"Doing Ungli"

Would getting honey from a hive be counted as a sting operation?

If I trapped 10000 killer bees in a pot and threw it at the Pakis would that be a stinger missile?

How many microphones make a meghaphone?

Do they win a Cold Medal at the Winter Olympics?

Thats all for today folks (insert Porky Pig/Elmer Fudd voice)
For more information on "doing ungli" contact Mr Greg Chappell.

Will all those people who remember the song "Tere baap ko maine dekha Bandra Station mein" please stand up.

wii_path

wii_path
Originally uploaded by khat_mal.

Lead me to the light.(or is it up the garden path)

Did the Telugu chap have a Gulty conscience?

The loud clapping you hear emanating from my house is not because we particularly enjoyed that Shahid Afridi's hoick while watching the highlights.Nor are we and extremely over enthu family that keeps giving Hi-Fives for small small things (Arey I ate breakfast [hi5 hi5]arey! I polished my shoes [hi5 hi5] arey I went to the loo [ err I hope you washed your hands])It is because someone at home did not bother closing the door after them (like Godfrey Gordon Gustavus Gore),We have now set up a mini blood dontation camp at home.We donate to the mosquitoes.
Now since there are a lot of pigs around (and I am most certainly not talking about myself) superparanoid family member (mom of course) goes into high gear describing sources ,causes and effects of such vile diseases as Malaria, Japanese Encephelitis and of course my favourite Dengue fever.
Mom:"These Mosquitoes are vectors of such horrible diseases like blahblahblahblah"
Us: Huh?Vectors do we need to take a cross product?
Coming back to dengue fever.Apparenlty dengue fever is carried by a mosquito called the Aedes aegypti.
Someone said that it was a 'day biting' mosquito.If it were a day biting mosquito what do humans have to fear from it?Let the day take care of itself. I wish I had known that some..err..many years ago when they actually asked about it in an exam....Oh and it was around 10-12 years ago that we were first aware of a Dengue epidemic.Having the filthy minds that we still do we slightly modified the pronunciation of the word to obtain maximum entertainment for least investment.Telugu speakers musta cottoned onto this by now if they haven't actauly done this and asked seemingly innocent questions to the biology teacher.
example: "Teacher.What is this Dengu fever?" at which point from the back of the class many voices would shout Dengai Dengai.

One morning I woke up and I knew
You were really gone
A new day, a new way, and new
eyes to see the dawn
Go your way, I'll go mine and
Carry on

The sky is clearing and the night
Has gone out
The sun, he come, the world
is all full of light
Rejoice, rejoice, we have no choice but
To carry on

                                                Carry On (CSNY)

Bring on the dancing girls. Clap Clap.

After the huge success of the book The Tao of Physics, I have decided to write a book called 'The Chichcha of Chemistry'!

Imran Hashmi. Is he what we have to suffer for making fun of losers like Kishen Kumar and Kamal Whatsisname.Kishen kumar was the man with one eyebrow, Imran seems to be the man with one expression only. Our karma has caught up with us.Sigh these days low budget losers are well packaged and get to frolic with hot women (not very well packaged,if you know what I mean, but who is complaining about THEM!) Speaking of which.Mani Ratnam is supposed to be making a film version of Mahabarat . I hear Rani Mukherji might play the role of Draupadi.Thank god it is not Mallika or Urmilla (wrong epic dude!) because then there won't be too much Vastra on for the Vastra Haran scene.Lord Krishna would have to work extra hard to make sure that an A certificate is not awarded.

If someone gave the Supreme Court judge a cup of tea,would Justice have been served?

Why didn't Ganguly go to the disco along with the rest of the team?

Thats because he is afraid of bouncers.

Why wouldn't anyone be..I almost lost a few teeth to a bouncer once...way back in 1902...BC...When I was a kid in school(very few adults attending schools those days you know...no adultery was our policy)..

Bird Flu outbreak in Turkey. :D

I was involved in an accident at an archery competition once.That was an Arrowing experience.Going to a certain English public school would also count in the same category. would being shot by an arrow that make me a holey man?
All this talk about archery and public schools made me hungry, i went down to the cafeteria but everythign was already Eaton.

In spite of the good monsoon we have recieved,there must be a water crisis brewing, whenever I flip to a news channel (curently only 43143253289437892478942978 in number) all they seem to talk about are TAPS. A regular tap dance is going on.
In U.P. Amarji was saying ki unke phone pe tap hai.lekin UP mein infrastructure is so bad ki is tap se bhi pani nahin aata.
Even the former minister Natwarji is facing problems,
Arey!what are taps to him? hain?..when he deals in barrels , and not the 12 bore variety might I add..but I won't bore you with details..with so many taps coming I suppose the need for bore wells has gone down?...how do I know you ask? well I heard it on the pipeline...err grape vine

Yesterday, I found myself in the vicintiy of that hallowed institution where many people valiantly attempted to impart education to yours truly-well one of the many hallowed "Institutions" where such exercises in futility were carried out at any rate.Since I was in the vicinity, and entry as usual was free and so was I, went in.
Disgraceful!!! College was totally empty at 3 in the afternoon, hardly any people lounging about..People actually attending afternoon classes, those who didnt attend go home katte..Arey in my time .No no we did not walk from Trichy to Madurai barefeet like the old uncleji used to say..we just hung around in college till late and indulged in various 'extracuricular' activities...err you know dramatics and so on (other than getting sloshed and re-enacting Sholay's Water tower scene).The quiz club we started is dead. That used to be fun.Afternoons spent lounging under a giant tamarind tree, smoking ,drinking and of course quizzing(we mustn't forget that now).We aslo managed attendence percentages of over 90,how that was achieved is another post.
Aaj ke studentaan don't want to take part in extracurricular activities ..That is what happens when you have high cut offs..too many muggu candidates...ask them about mime and they will give you a blank look , I wish they would give me a blank cheque.But ask them about mimosa and they will recite pages and pages totall word to word form A.C.Dutta...Things have changed so much.Arey! no one was even smoking!!! Tthat was soon remedied though.I sat alone and was full lost in nostalgia( and nicotine),untill some of the Chem lab staff recognised me and shook me out of my reverie by asking for chai-pani.Well there are some things that never change..

Alright.

First post of the New Year. Happy New Year all.

So what have I been upto all these days you ask? You didn't? Well I am going to tell you anyway.

Was off gallivanting in the wilds of Uttaranchal.Not too many specimens of birds.But a lot many "specimens" of Homo sapiens were discovered.More on that later.

Bonfires.Whiskey and Rum.

Panthera pardus...What a sighting it was.A wild leopard at 20 yards.What an amazingly graceful animal.

Vultures.

Snow Fight .

A Small Niltava.....

DumbC on the trains to and fro..

Mind Blowing.